Why We Expect People to Remember What We Say (and Why They Don’t)

The easiest way to dramatically reduce your daily frustrations

"I told you this already!"

I was mad at my coworker, angrily sighed, and rolled my eyes, feeling super annoyed.

I mean, how many times do I need to repeat myself?

Was he even paying attention?

We’ve all been there — frustrated when someone forgets something we know we told them. It could be your partner forgetting about an event, a colleague missing a deadline, or a friend not recalling a conversation.

In all these 3 scenarios, it just feels like they weren’t paying attention.

But what if the problem isn’t them?

The truth is that expecting people to remember things just because we said them once goes against the way human brains actually work. Memory isn’t a hard drive where information is permanently stored and retrieved at will. It’s a dynamic, reconstructive process that filters, prioritizes, and sometimes forgets information.

So why do we assume others will remember? And why do they so often forget? In this article, I’ll break it down and leave you with actionable strategies on what to do instead.

How Memory Actually Works

Memory operates in stages:

1. Encoding – When we first receive information, our brain decides how to process and store it. Some details get deeply embedded, while others barely register.

2. Storage – Information is either retained in short-term memory (which lasts minutes to hours) or long-term memory (which can last a lifetime).

3. Retrieval – Later, when we try to recall something, we reconstruct the memory from fragments rather than replaying an exact recording.

Here’s why someone might forget what we’ve told them:

1. The Information Wasn’t Strongly Encoded

Not everything we hear makes it into long-term memory. If someone isn’t fully engaged, distracted, or simply doesn’t see the information as particularly relevant at the time, it won’t stick.

Think about how many conversations you have daily. How many bits of information compete for your attention. Your brain can’t store everything, so it prioritizes what it deems most important. If the information isn’t repeated or emotionally significant, it’s likely to fade.

2. Competing Bits of Data

The brain is constantly processing new input. If someone learns many things in a short period, older information can get buried. This is especially true in today’s world, where notifications, emails, and conversations all compete for cognitive space.

For example, if you tell your partner something while they’re checking their phone or thinking about work, their brain may never fully encode it. The information isn’t lost — it was never firmly stored in the first place.

3. The Context Mismatch Problem

Memories are often tied to the context in which they were formed. If you tell someone something while they’re cooking dinner, they might struggle to recall it later in a work meeting.

This is why students perform better on tests when they take them in the same room where they studied — the environmental cues help trigger recall. If the memory lacks strong mental links, it becomes harder to retrieve later.

4. The Forgetting Curve

Psychologist Hermann Ebbinghaus discovered that people forget nearly 50% of new information within an hour and up to 80% within a few days unless it’s reinforced. This is called the Forgetting Curve.

If you want someone to remember something, one exposure isn’t enough. Repetition, reminders, and follow-ups dramatically increase retention.

5. Cognitive Load and Overwhelm

The human brain can only juggle so much information at once. If someone is already managing multiple tasks, stressors, or distractions, their working memory might be at capacity.

Imagine telling a colleague about a project update while they’re preparing for a major presentation. Or telling your spouse about an important event while they’re dealing with the kids or are deeply involved in something like cooking.

Even if they hear you, their brain might deprioritize that information to focus on the immediate task.

Why We Assume People Will Remember

If memory is so imperfect, why do we expect others to remember what we say? Several cognitive biases trick us into believing that information should be as clear to others as it is to us.

1. The Illusion of Importance

We assume that what’s important to us is also important to others. If we’re emotionally invested in something, we expect others to process and remember it with the same intensity.

2. The Curse of Knowledge

Once we know something, we struggle to imagine what it’s like not to know it. This makes us overestimate how well others remember what we’ve said.

For example, a manager might believe they’ve given clear instructions, but because they understand the full context, they don’t realize their team is missing some key pieces to fully get it.

3. Expecting Memory to Work Like a Hard Drive

Many people intuitively believe that memory functions like a recording device — once something is stored, it should be retrievable.

I mean, many detective TV shows portray witness testimony, based on their memories, as the ultimate tool in solving crimes and delivering justice.

In reality, memory is reconstructive, meaning it changes over time and isn’t always accessible when needed.

4. The Emotional Weight Disparity

If something is meaningful to us, we assume it should be just as important to others. But people prioritize information differently. Just because you found a conversation significant doesn’t mean the other person’s brain assigned it the same weight.

For instance, you might vividly remember a heartfelt discussion with a friend, but they might have been focused on their own thoughts at the time, causing the details to slip away.

5. The Illusion of Communication

We often think that once we’ve said something, our job is done.

But communication isn’t just about saying what you want to say — it’s about ensuring the message is received, understood, and remembered.

Just because words were spoken doesn’t mean they were fully processed. Checking for understanding, asking for confirmation, and following up are crucial to making communication stick.

How to Help Others (and Yourself) Remember

Since memory isn’t perfect, how can we improve retention and reduce frustration when people forget?

1. Use Repetition

Saying something once isn’t enough. If something is important, repeat it in different contexts. This strengthens memory encoding and retrieval.

2. Reinforce with Visuals and Written Cues

People remember information better when it’s paired with images, notes, or written reminders. This is why meetings often include slides and why sticky notes on the fridge help with remembering tasks. Or why scheduling reminders on your own calendar helps so much.

3. Check for Understanding

Instead of assuming someone remembers, ask them to repeat back key points. This isn’t micromanaging — it’s ensuring your message actually got received.

4. Use Emotional and Personal Connections

We remember things better when they’re tied to emotions or personal relevance. If you want someone to recall something, link it to their interests or experiences.

5. Follow Up at the Right Time

Timing matters. Reminding someone of a task when they’re overwhelmed won’t be effective. Instead, prompt them when they’re in a better mental space to process the information.

Final Thoughts

The next time you feel frustrated that someone forgot something you told them, remember — it’s not personal. It’s just how the brain works.

Forgetting is completely normal, and memory isn’t perfect. By embracing strategies like repetition, reinforcement, and timely follow-ups, you can significantly reduce the "I told you this already!" moments.

Want to take it a step further and take your own mental performance to the next level? I help ambitious professionals optimize their brains to eliminate frustration, enhance focus, and operate at their best — so they can go from stressed to strategic, confident, and in control.

Schedule here, and let’s get started: www.themindfuldev.com/strategy-call

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