Why Engineers Struggle With Soft Skills?

If you're an engineer, married to one, or work with one, you should read this

source: Pixabay

“This idea is stupid. Here’s a better way to do it.” — a Senior Engineer at 9:04 AM in your typical tech company.

Engineers tend to be rough around the edges.

Cynical, sarcastic, with a sharp sense of humor. Straight to the point. Oblivious to social dynamics. Always trying to optimize the solution, but ignorant about (verbal) delivery (AKA coming off as rude).

Also incredibly smart about complex systems.

I know. That used to be me.

And for a long time, I thought that was just how things were.

That being sharp-edged was part of being sharp-minded.

Until the day, when after a company-wide meeting, I voiced my concerns out loud, and afterward, my Engineering Director came up to me and said:

“Dagna, why did you call our exec leadership team a bunch of idiots?”

Puff.

There went the promotion I’ve been intentionally working towards for over 6 months.

Because of my big mouth, lack of tact, and that brutally direct style, I’m pretty sure my promotion slipped away.

So if you’re an engineer, married to one, or work with one, I’m sure you’ve witnessed scenarios like the one above. But here's the thing: there’s a perfectly valid reason engineers often struggle with soft skills, and it’s not because we’re introverted (!!!)

In this article, I’ll break down the key reasons why this happens and show you how to help the engineers (and other analytically-minded people) in your life that you care about start recognizing the value of building those squishy, unmeasurable people skills.

After all, soft skills can be learned just like any technical skill. And having those skills saves you from mishaps like the one that happened to me and caused missing out on a promotion.

The Underdeveloped Interpersonal Skills of Engineers

Engineers’ job is to solve complex problems using intricate systems.

And our education reflects that. It prioritizes analytical, systems-based thinking, which is excellent for solving technical problems but often leaves interpersonal skills underdeveloped.

As an Engineer, 6+ years into my career, I was excellent at debugging weird production issues, but totally oblivious to how to communicate so others would listen.

This is a common scenario — it happens because of how we are trained to think.

Here are factors at play:

1. Early Career Reinforcement

In the early stages of an engineering career, technical skills are the primary factor in getting hired, and keeping the job. This reinforces the idea that soft skills are secondary or even unnecessary.

Until you hit a glass ceiling that is, and are unable to get a promo you’ve wanted, just like I did.

2. Time and Energy Allocation

Given the complexity of engineering problems, engineers often prioritize technical learning over soft skills, assuming they’ll pick up communication and collaboration naturally over time.

Somehow this critical set of skills that’s at the core of solving problems — working with others and communicating properly — is a total after-thought.

If you want to grow your soft skills, you need to put in the time, just like you did when mastering the most recent programming language in your tech stack.

3. Logical Over Emotional Thinking

Many analytically minded people default to logic and problem-solving frameworks. In that frame of mind you may view emotions, social dynamics, or interpersonal nuances as unpredictable or inefficient. When in reality these are all signals — indicators of what’s working and what’s not.

But engineers are never taught how to recognize those signals and decode them.

4. Misconception That People Are Born With Soft Skills

Some believe that soft skills are personality traits rather than learnable skills.

I mean, if I got a dollar every time I’ve heard “I’m an introvert, so I don’t have soft skills” excuse, I’d be a millionaire by now.

It’s just an excuse.

Just like in point #2, let me reiterate here, soft skills, are… Skills. And just like riding a bike or crafting a deployment pipeline, there’s a learning curve.

5. Delayed Feedback Loop

The impact of weak soft skills often isn’t immediately obvious. That’s exactly what happened in my situation. Lack of soft skills was a career roadblock for me, and I didn’t connect the dots for years.

6. Measurability Bias

Engineers are used to working with tangible, measurable outcomes. The new feature works, or doesn’t? Is the bug still in prod? How many APIs are now broken with the forced dependency update?

On the other hand, soft skills like communication, leadership, or emotional intelligence are harder to quantify, making them seem less critical compared to technical expertise.

For many engineers, it’s very unclear how to improve something they can’t directly measure.

7. Cultural Influence in Tech

Many engineering environments prioritize technical mastery.

If all you’re talking about at work are the latest tech trends — like how AI is taking over junior devs’ jobs or migrating your stack from microservices because they’re not as hot as everyone thought — then it’s easy to overlook soft skills.

When no one in your immediate circle is talking about them, there’s little incentive to develop them.

The Turning Point

At some point, many engineers realize that technical skills alone aren’t enough. What brought you to that Senior level, won’t take you to the Staff, Architect, or Managerial level.

To succeed at the highest levels, you need to work well with others, communicate effectively, and navigate social dynamics just as skillfully as you navigate complex codebases.

And that’s the trick: When engineers see soft skills as an engineering problem to solve, they become much more open to developing them.

Here’s How You Save Relationships With Those Grumpy, Sarcastic Computer Geniuses With Big Caring Hearts

Or, how you save yourself when you’re one of them 😉 (I’ve earned the right to say that because I have been that way-too-direct-to-the-point-of-being-rude engineer).

To help engineers and analytically minded people see the importance of investing in soft skills, you need to speak the proper language — one of logic, efficiency, and measurable impact. Here are some effective strategies:

1. Show the Data

Engineers trust numbers, so give them evidence.

• Studies show that emotional intelligence (EQ) accounts for 90% of what sets high performers apart (Daniel Goleman).

• Engineers who develop leadership and communication skills earn significantly higher salaries and reach higher roles faster.

• Poor communication is a top reason projects fail (Project Management Institute reports estimate it causes 56% of project failures).

2. Frame It as an Optimization Problem

Soft skills aren’t a "nice-to-have" — they reduce friction in workflows, increase efficiency, and optimize teamwork.

• Miscommunication leads to wasted time, rework, and frustration.

• Better negotiation skills help engineers push for better tools, salaries, and career growth.

• Stronger leadership skills make projects smoother, reducing stress and delays.

3. Use Engineering Analogies

• Communication = APIs → Just like software components need clean, well-documented APIs to work together efficiently, teams need clear communication to function properly.

• Emotional intelligence = Debugging Human Systems → Understanding team dynamics is like debugging a complex system. Identifying bottlenecks (interpersonal conflicts) and optimizing processes (better collaboration) improves performance.

By presenting soft skills as a logical, high-ROI investment, engineers are much more likely to take these improvements seriously.

Closing Thoughts

Engineers are often brilliant problem-solvers — but when it comes to soft skills, many struggle. So if you have ever wondered how someone can be so smart about designing or debugging complex systems yet so clueless about social interaction… Well, now you know why.

It’s not because of personality traits but because engineering training prioritizes hard technical skills and doesn’t value soft people skills enough.

I learned this the hard way — missing out on a promotion and not connecting the dots for a few years. And I’m not alone.

But here’s the truth: soft skills can be learned, just like technical skills. And when framed as an optimization problem, engineers are more likely to embrace them.

I’d love to know — if you're an engineer, married to one, or work with one — how soft skills have impacted you? Let me know in the comments. 👇

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