Are Your Mental Models Keeping You Stuck In Misery?
Be like my grandma and get yourself unstuck.
If your mental models are faulty or outdated, you’ll repeat the same mistakes, create unnecessary struggles, miss out on opportunities, and feel frustrated without knowing why.
These mental models shape everything — your decisions, relationships, career, and overall happiness.
My grandma instinctively knew that.
She was the happiest person I’ve ever known, despite growing up in post–World-War-II-Poland, surrounded by alcoholics beating their wives, experiencing famine as a child, and witnessing 3 out of 5 of her siblings die in infancy.
Her life was tough. Yet, she radiated joy.
She had this saying: “The most important thing is to be able to explain everything to yourself.”
She was sooooooooo right. Our brains do this all the time, anyway. Automatically. They create meaning for everything that happens to us based on the mental models stored in our brains.
And the good news? You’re not hardwired to think a certain way forever. Your brain is designed to adapt. So, you can consciously choose to update your models. When you do that, you open the door to:
More Confidence – You replace self-doubt with empowering beliefs that support your growth.
Stronger Relationships – You let go of limiting perspectives and create deeper, healthier connections.
Increased Resilience – You see challenges as opportunities, making it easier to bounce back from setbacks.
Better Decisions – You stop running on autopilot and start choosing actions that align with what you really care about.
More Success & Fulfillment – You remove the mental roadblocks that hold you back and unlock new possibilities.
In this article, I’ll walk you through my process of identifying, challenging, and updating mental models so you can update the ones that are keeping you stuck in misery and get yourself unstuck.
But first…
Why Do Mental Models Get Outdated?
The brain relies on past experiences, learned patterns, and assumptions to interpret the present and predict the future. However, as our circumstances change — for example, when we enter a new chapter in our life — those old mental models may no longer be accurate or useful.
Here’s why this happens:
1. The Brain is a Prediction Machine
Our brains are wired to anticipate outcomes based on past data. If our environment, needs, or social structures change, but our brain is still using outdated predictions, we might react in ways that are no longer effective.
Exactly this happened to me when I became a parent. I kept living and acting like the pre-baby me, and I ended up burning myself out.
2. Cognitive Biases Reinforce Old Patterns
We develop mental shortcuts to process information quickly, but these shortcuts can also trap us in outdated ways of thinking. For example, confirmation bias makes us seek information that supports what we already believe, even if it's no longer valid.
That’s why discussing your issues with another person can be so valuable! It introduces fresh perspectives, challenges assumptions, and helps uncover different ways of thinking about the problems that you’re facing.
3. Emotional Anchoring
Strong emotional experiences reinforce certain mental models. If something worked for us in the past — especially during high-stress or emotional moments — our brains hold onto that meaning, even when it stops being helpful. For example, imagine you were embarrassed while giving a presentation in school — maybe you forgot your lines, and people laughed.
Your brain linked public speaking with humiliation.
Even years later, despite becoming more skilled, you might still feel anxious before speaking in front of a group because your brain holds onto that outdated emotional imprint.
4. Social and Cultural Evolution
What was considered "normal" thinking decades ago may not align with modern knowledge or societal shifts. For example, beliefs about career stability, mental health, or learning methods have evolved, but some people still operate under outdated assumptions.
And then, on top of that, if you ever immigrate, you’ll realize that cultural beliefs can be completely out of place in your new environment. When I moved from Poland to the United States, it took me years before I realized I needed to update my cultural models because the ones I was operating under were causing unnecessary conflicts and limited my opportunities.
5. Lack of Reflection and Adaptation
Mental models don’t update automatically.
If we don’t regularly challenge our assumptions or expose ourselves to new perspectives, our brains default to familiar ways of thinking.
Even if these models do more harm than good.
It’s just all running on autopilot.
Now, before you get all fired up, angry at your brain for acting this way…
Remember — your brain is just doing what it’s designed by nature to do — it’s being efficient by using mental models it created as shortcuts to process, predict, and react.
But as you grow and life circumstances change, those mental models need to evolve too — so they match the person you’ve become and what you’re trying to accomplish in this stage of your life.
How to Update Your Mental Models
Here’s a structured way to update mental models. As a trained engineer, I like to see this as debugging, optimizing, and refactoring of the mental code running in the brain. Here are the steps:
Step 1: Identify the Bug (Awareness)
Just like in software, outdated or faulty mental models often cause unintended outcomes. Not getting a promotion, failing every single interview, or experiencing unnecessary drama in your relationships.
Ask yourself: What beliefs, assumptions, or thought patterns are shaping my response to this situation?
Look for signs of faulty logic: Are you making decisions based on fear, outdated experiences, or someone else’s expectations?
Step 2: Analyze the Source Code (Reflection)
Once you’ve identified a mental model that might be causing the issue and not serving you anymore, dig deeper:
Where did this belief come from? Was it shaped by past experiences, culture, or authority figures?
Is it an absolute truth or just one possible interpretation?
Step 3: Run a Debugging Test (Challenge the Model)
Now, test whether your current belief holds up when you really zoom in and analyze closely:
What evidence supports or contradicts this belief?
How would someone with a different perspective view this situation?
Is this belief helping or hindering your growth?
Step 4: Refactor the Code (Reframe & Replace)
If the belief is faulty or limiting, rewrite it with a more empowering perspective:
Instead of “I’m bad at public speaking,” try “I’m improving my public speaking skills with practice.”
Instead of “Success requires suffering,” try “Success comes from sustainable effort and smart strategies.”
Step 5: Deploy the New Version (Reinforce the Update)
Your new mental model needs reinforcement to stick:
Surround yourself with people and experiences that support the new belief.
Use visualization, affirmations, or journaling to reinforce the updated model.
Track your progress — each time you act in alignment with your new model, you strengthen it (and lay down new neural pathways that eventually will incorporate this behavior in your autopilot routine)
Step 6: Monitor for Regression (Continuous Optimization)
Mental models, like code, can get reverter. Especially under stress. Stay mindful of old patterns creeping back in:
Regularly check in with your beliefs and assumptions.
When you feel stuck, revisit this process to refine and optimize again.
Closing Thoughts
My grandma instinctively knew what neuroscience now confirms: the meaning we assign to events shapes our reality.
She didn’t let hardship define her — she explained it to herself in a way that allowed her to keep moving forward in life with joy.
Your brain is doing the same thing, whether you realize it or not. It’s running on mental models, shaping your decisions, emotions, and opportunities. The question is— are those models serving you or keeping you stuck in misery?
Your brain isn’t broken — it’s just running outdated software.
And you? You’re the engineer.
Update the code.
Optimize your life.
If you need help upgrading your mental models, I can help.
Over the past 6 years, I’ve successfully helped 50+ ambitious professionals in tech do exactly that in a 1on1 coaching, which resulted in doubled salaries, getting past Imposter Syndrome, skip-level promotions, improved relationships, and opening doors to opportunities they used to dream about.
Schedule a call here: themindfuldev.com/strategy-call
This is great! I found myself doing this today. Redoing some thinking.