20 Lessons I Wish To Engrave In My Kids' Brains Before They Turn 10
Even if you don’t have kids, your inner child will love these.
One day, I won’t be here to guide them.
That thought haunts me.
Life is unpredictable. And while I hope to be by my kids’ side for decades, I know that my real job as a parent isn’t to protect them from hardship. It’s to prepare them for it.
I don’t want to raise children who crumble when life gets tough. I want to raise kids who stand tall, face challenges head-on, and create lives filled with meaning, resilience, and success. I want to make sure I help my kids build mental toughness, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of self — things that will serve them as a solid foundation for life.
Because the world won’t always be kind.
Opportunities won’t always be fair.
And I won’t always be there to catch them.
But if I do my job right, they won’t need me to.
Parent’s responsibility is to prepare their child to deal with the world and whatever life throws at them. But it seems that not all the parents get the memo. In case your parents didn’t, consider this your chance to take these lessons and reparent your inner child.
Here are the 20 lessons I plan to engrave in my kids’ brains before they turn 10 — when their focus shifts to their peers — so they can win at the game of life, no matter what challenges come their way.
1. My Love for You Is Unconditional
“Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you. You don’t have to earn my love with good grades, good behavior, or achievements. And you won’t lose it if you mess up. I will sometimes get angry at you, but that will pass. My love will always be there, no matter what.”
And then, beyond saying it, I make sure they feel it:
When they make mistakes, I respond with love first.
When they push boundaries, I remind them they’re still safe with me.
When they’re upset, I am their calm, steady presence.
When they fail, I remind them they are more than their mistakes.
If they carry this deep knowing into adolescence and beyond, they’ll always have a safe foundation to return to. No matter where life takes them.
2. You Are Enough, Exactly As You Are
Before the world tries to convince them otherwise, I make sure they know their worth isn’t based on achievements, looks, or popularity. I reinforce that they are loved for who they are and just because they are, not because of what they do.
3. You Can Do Hard Things
When they face challenges — like doing house chores they don’t want to do — I remind them: “This feels tough, but you’ve done hard things before. You can figure this out.”
Small responsibilities, like cleaning up their toys or organizing all their shoes, stretch their abilities and build confidence in their capabilities.
4. Mistakes Are How You Learn
I normalize trial and error as part of life. As a recovering perfectionist, I am extra cognizant of how important this lesson is. I mean, after all, failure isn’t a dead end! It’s a stepping stone. I want to teach my kids to ask: “What can I learn from this?”, so they can fail fast and keep on moving forward.
5. You Are Always Learning and Growing
Who they are today isn’t who they’ll be forever. With every new chapter in their life, they will adapt and change and become a new version of themselves.
I want to make sure that I help them see themselves as a work in progress, capable of evolving, improving, and overcoming any challenge life throws at them.
6. Effort Matters More Than Talent
Talent is a great benefit, but hard work, persistence, and learning from failure is what actually determines success. I want to teach them that success in life comes from consistent effort, not just natural abilities.
That’s why I praise my kids’ effort, the work they put in, and not just the results.
7. Discomfort Is Temporary, And You Can Handle It
Pain, failure, and frustration are part of life, but they don’t last forever. Everything eventually passes.
Even though it’s tempting for me to try and rescue them ASAP, I try my best to teach them to sit with discomfort rather than avoid it. This will help them handle difficult emotions, rejection, and setbacks without giving up.
Life is full of these.
8. Your Emotions Are Messengers
I model this for my kids. I cry in front of them. I get angry in front of them. I dance when I’m happy in front of them. And then we name those feelings out loud.
Recognizing and naming their emotions is such a key skill. Because only when they are aware of their internal state, they’re able to do something about it.
I see too many people around me, not aware of what they’re feeling and living their lives in a miserable reactive mode. I don’t want that for my kids.
9. Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality
“Your brain will sometimes make things up. Sometimes, those will be mean things. Sometimes, they will be silly things, and sometimes, they will make you sad. But you can always talk to your brain to think of something else.”
I teach my kids that what they focus on grows. If they believe they can figure something out, they will. If they tell themselves they can’t, they won’t.
I know this lesson is already growing strong roots because sometimes, when they misbehave, they tell me: “Mama, my brain told me to do it. “
10. You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
“Mama, I’m boooooooooreeeeed” is how my kids express their frustration. That’s when I ask, “What can you do about it?”.
I remind them that it’s their own responsibility to do something when they feel unhappy. It’s not my job, or their dad’s, or their siblings, or their friends. Because happiness comes from their own thoughts, choices, and actions. No one else is responsible for making them happy.
On top of teaching them to own their responsibility for their own happiness, this also helps them wire their brain to tolerate downtime, develop creativity, and build self-motivation — all essential for resilience and future success.
11. The World Owes You Nothing. Go Earn It
I’m a millennial, and when I was growing up, there was this emerging trend of “stress-free” parenting that led to entitled spoiled brats with no grit, unrealistic expectations, who after growing up struggled with authority, handling conflict, and suffered from emotional fragility, because they never learned how to navigate stress or uncertainty.
In other words this trend created people who are completely unprepared for dealing with life. I want to make sure that this does not happen to my kids.
No one is coming to hand them success. Entitlement leads to disappointment. Taking ownership, on the other hand, is what leads to great life outcomes.
That’s why I encourage my kids to take the initiative — whether it’s helping at home, solving their own problems, or earning things they want.
12. Problems Are Just Puzzles Waiting to Be Solved
Whenever my kids blame others for their own problems, I validate their feelings (so they would pay attention to what I say next) and then help them shift their focus on things they do control. Like what are they going to do about it.
As an engineer who loves puzzles, I want them to have this problem-solving mindset and see challenges like a puzzle they get to solve and figure it out.
13. Ask for Help When You Need It
Asking for help is a superpower that multiplies the outcomes and makes life better for everyone involved. Needing help isn’t weakness, it’s normal part of life.
This is another lesson I had to learn the hard way: trying to do it all by myself and burning out. So now I model asking for help myself so that my kids see that it’s normal.
The smartest people I know don’t try to do everything alone. They ask for help and make life better for everyone involved.
14. Self-Discipline Is the Key to Freedom
Real success isn’t about motivation — it’s about doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t feel like it. The more they practice self-discipline, the more control they’ll have over their lives. And many studies have shown that delaying gratification is one of the strongest predictors of success in life.
So I give my kids small opportunities to wait, set small goals, and follow through, even when it’s inconvenient. If they clean up their toys, they get an extra 15 min to play before bedtime. If they eat their veggies, they get their choice of dessert. If they do good throughout the week, they get to watch their favorite TV show on a Saturday morning, while snuggling with me on the sofa.
15. Integrity Matters More Than Approval
I want to teach my kids to do the right thing even when no one is watching. I tell them they always have a choice. And every choice has consequences.
The ability to stand by their values will serve them far more than fitting in with the wrong crowd.
16. Your Words and Actions Shape Your Relationships
I emphasize honesty, keeping promises, and treating others with respect. Because those 3 are important in creating meaningful relationships with others. The quality of their friendships, professional networks, and personal relationships will play a massive role in their happiness, resilience, and life’s overall success.
What people will think of and how they will relate to my kids will be based on how they treat others, follow through on commitments, and handle tough situations.
And since meaningful relationships are the foundation of a fulfilling life, I want to make sure I teach my kids how to create and maintain those.
17. Friendships Should Feel Safe and Supportive
Not all friendships are worth keeping. I want to teach them to notice who makes them feel good about themselves and who drains them. If someone treats them poorly, I want them to know that they don’t have to stay friends.
18. Who You Surround Yourself With Shapes Your Future
We naturally absorb the beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes of those around us.
I want to make sure to teach my kids to choose wisely. So they can have a strong support system. If they surround themselves with supportive, ambitious, and kind people, they’ll be more likely to grow into confident, driven, and emotionally intelligent individuals. If they’re around negativity, complacency, or toxic influences, it can hold them back, no matter how smart or capable they are.
19. Confidence Comes From Action
Confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build by doing.
None of us was born confident, and I want to make sure my kids know this. I want them to feel the fear and do it anyway. I want them to believe in their ability to figure things out. I want them to see progress through their effort, so that every time they face a challenge, take a risk, or practice a skill, they will prove to themselves that they’re capable.
I want my kids to be unstoppable.
20. Life Isn’t Fair. But You Can Still Win
Just like I did in my life, my kids will face unfair situations, setbacks, and bad luck.
So by teaching them early that life isn’t fair, I want to help them accept reality instead of wasting energy wishing things were different. I mean complaining, ruminating or getting angry at things we can’t control doesn’t really fix anything.
But taking action does. I want to teach my kids to focus on what they can control and move forward anyway. Because they can control their thoughts, actions, and how they show up in the world.
Life won’t always play by the rules — but if they learn to play their best game anyway, they’ll always have a chance to win.
Those are the lessons I wished I learned earlier on. And now I get to pass these lessons to my kids.
Closing Thought
If they internalize even half of these, they’ll have a solid foundation to navigate whatever comes their way — even when they stop listening to me. My kids will be resilient, driven, and prepared for success — no matter what path they’ll take.
After all, as a parent, I can’t control the world my kids will grow up in, but I can do my best to equip them with the wisdom and mental strength to handle whatever comes their way.
And if you didn’t grow up with these lessons yourself, I want you to know that it’s never too late to learn them. Your inner child is still listening and waiting for the guidance and reassurance they may not have received. You have the power to reparent yourself — to offer the wisdom, kindness, and love that you always needed.
Because at the end of the day, whether we're raising children or healing ourselves, the goal is the same: to grow into the kind of person who moves through life with mental strength and a sense of purpose.
We all deserve a life well-lived.
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I love everyone of these lessons! More parents should try and think this way.
These are great lessons.
My generation (Boomers) made the mistake of cosseting our kids as we wanted them to have better childhood than we did as the kids of post-war parents.