I woke up with anxiety.

At 4:30 AM, my body was flooded with adrenaline. My eyes wide-open. I was lying in bed, still in my PJs — but internally, I was already running.

And then a strange thought landed:

What if I didn’t call this “anxiety”?

What if I labeled it something else — something that didn’t carry as much of an emotional load?

What if I called it “my body doing what it needs to do right now to help me get through the day”?

That small shift cracked open a window.

Instead of spiraling, I leaned in.

I used that surge of energy to actually go out for a run.

It helped. Not just physically — but mentally too.

And it all started with one small act:

Renaming the experience.

The Programmer’s Trick We Overlook in Real Life

If you’re a developer, you already do this at work.

We name things all the time: variables, functions, classes. It's how we make sense of complex systems.

We don’t just write code — we label code. Intentionally. Carefully.

Because we know:

• Names shape understanding.

• Names set expectations.

• Names influence behavior.

And renaming? That’s just good refactoring.

A vague function name like getInfo() becomes getCustomerPurchaseHistory(). Suddenly the black box becomes predictable, useful, navigable.

Same goes for our internal world.

Labeling Isn’t Just For Coding — It’s Mental Hygiene

In therapy, this skill is called labeling — and it's a cornerstone of emotional regulation in various types of therapy and mindfulness-based approaches.

Here’s why it works:

• It enhances emotional awareness.
  Naming turns vague, overwhelming feelings into manageable data points.

• It improves clarity.
  “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough” is way different from “I’m not good enough.” After all, a lot of thoughts we have aren’t even true.

• It reduces emotional intensity.
  Brain scans show that labeling an emotion dampens the amygdala response. So something as simple as saying out loud, “I feel anxious,” is already more calming than just feeling anxious.

Here’s How to Start Labeling

If you’re new to this, think of it like debugging your emotional stack trace.

Try this:

1. Pause and observe.
   Ask: “What am I feeling right now?” Not “why” — just what.

2. Use descriptive, specific language.
   Not just “bad” — maybe it’s “disappointed,” “overstimulated,” or “on edge.”

3. Add cognitive distancing if needed.
   Say: “I notice I’m feeling anxious,” not “I am anxious.”

4. Test alternative labels.
   Like I did at 4:30 AM — sometimes calling it “energy” or “activation” helps reframe the story your brain is telling.

Closing Thoughts

Labeling helps us understand emotions as data points. (Instead of what many analytically minded people like to do and ignore or suppress their emotions. It’s not that!)

It’s about giving your inner world the same structure and clarity you bring to your codebase.

In both domains, naming is powerful:

• It makes things easier to work with.

• It guides our interactions with the labeled entity.

• It helps us build something better.

So the next time your system feels chaotic or overloaded, don’t just feel it.

Label it.

And if the default label isn’t helpful?

Refactor it. Use a more helpful label.

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That Tuesday morning, exhaustion hit me like an oncoming train.

The infant-toddler combo at home, sleepless nights, and a busy but slow income quarter in my business had drained me. Even when the house was finally quiet, and I put my youngest back to bed, I could not fall back asleep. I was wide awake at 4 AM, my mind racing with everything I had to do. I just stayed in bed.

At 6 AM, I started the morning routine to get everyone ready for their day.

Around 8 AM, I shipped off the babies to the grandma, and when I got back home, I had an ambitious day planned ahead.

“I’m a professional. I get things done,” I told myself.

But my body refused.

Sitting in front of my laptop? Not today.
Then maybe laundry? Nope.
Dishes? Not happening.

I had planned to be productive on both the business and home fronts, especially with the kids at grandma’s, but I just… couldn’t.

So, I procrastinated.

But this time, I did it differently. Instead of scrolling my phone or numbing out, I took a slow walk, listening to birds sing. I lay on the grass and let the sun warm my skin. And for the first time in a while, I felt re-energized and at peace.

We often see procrastination as laziness. But what if it’s not?

What if procrastination is your brain’s way of letting you know that you need something crucial — like clarity, rest, or even more subconscious processing time — before you can do the thing you need to do?

Not all procrastination is the same. Some forms drain us, keeping us stuck. But other times, it’s exactly what we need to reset and move forward.

In this article, I describe the science behind why we procrastinate and how to lean into the good kind of procrastination.

The Neuroscience of Procrastination

Procrastination isn’t just a lack of willpower. It’s a battle between different parts of the brain:

• The limbic system (your emotional brain) seeks comfort and avoids discomfort. When a task feels overwhelming, your emotional brain will steer you toward quick relief — scrolling, snacking, or doing anything but the thing you "should" be doing.

• The prefrontal cortex (your rational brain) is responsible for planning and long-term goals. It knows what needs to get done but often struggles to override the limbic system.

• The amygdala (your fear center) sounds the alarm when stress, exhaustion, or perfectionism kick in, making even simple tasks feel like way too much to handle in the moment.

On that Tuesday morning, even though my prefrontal cortex had planned things out, after the amygdala kept us up starting at 4 AM, the limbic system got into the driver’s seat around 8:30 AM, causing my body to ignore my prefrontal cortex’s commands of getting into work mode.

The result? Avoidance.

But here’s what I recognized: I desperately needed a pause.

What if… Not all procrastination was bad?

Sometimes, it’s your brain telling you you're running on empty and need to reset before you can function properly again. And this was exactly what was happening to me at that moment.

I’ve been running on empty and really needed a break.

The Good Kind of Procrastination

Strategic procrastination can help reset mental energy and lead to better problem-solving. Instead of mindless distractions, you essentially choose to step away in order to recharge.

Because procrastinating the right way should refuel you and not drain you.

Here’s what that might look like...

1. Restorative Procrastination

• Taking a nap or lying down when you're exhausted instead of pushing through fatigue.

• Meditating or deep breathing to calm an overactive mind.

• Drinking a cup of tea while staring out the window, letting your thoughts settle.

2. Creative Procrastination

• Doodling, playing music, or journaling instead of forcing productivity. Sometimes, through play, we unlock important insights.

• Going for a walk without a destination to let ideas flow naturally.

• Engaging in a low-stakes creative hobby (e.g., knitting, painting, gardening) to reset your mind.

3. Movement-Based Procrastination

• Walking barefoot outside, like I did, to feel grounded.

• Stretching or dancing to release accumulated tension (especially if you sit in front of a computer for extended periods of time).

• Doing a quick workout instead of doom-scrolling or stress-eating.

4. Connection-Driven Procrastination

• Playing with your kids or pets to lift your mood.

• Calling a friend or hugging a loved one instead of forcing yourself through a task alone.

• Writing a gratitude note or journal entry instead of spiraling into negative self-talk.

5. Intentional Breaks & Mindful Consumption

• Watching a feel-good show or reading something enjoyable (vs. numbing out with endless scrolling).

• Listening to music or a podcast that soothes or inspires you.

• Making a nourishing meal instead of reaching for quick, processed snacks.

The key theme here is choosing procrastination that replenishes rather than drains you. Your body often knows what it needs — you just have to listen.

Closing Thoughts

We often beat ourselves up for procrastinating — I mean, I know I for sure do.

But neuroscience tells a different story!

Procrastination isn’t always about laziness or a lack of discipline — it’s often your brain’s way of signaling that you’re running on empty. When your limbic system hijacks your focus and your amygdala raises the stress alarm, pushing through isn’t always the answer. Sometimes, pausing is.

The key is to recognize the difference between draining distractions and restorative procrastination. The kind that doesn’t leave you feeling guilty or more exhausted — but instead helps you reset, reconnect, and regain energy.

So next time you find yourself avoiding a task, ask: Is my brain resisting because I’m avoiding discomfort, or because I genuinely need a break?

In my case, I paid attention to what my body was telling me, and I leaned into it. I needed a restorative break.

If your body is asking for one too, it’s wise to listen, before the body breaks down. So lean into a kind of procrastination that restores you. Step outside, move your body, breathe deeply. Because when you give yourself permission to recharge, you come back stronger, sharper, and ready to take on what truly matters.

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If you're a software engineer, building an audience is one of the best things you can do for your career. Seriously.

It’s the fastest way to stand out, build credibility, and open doors to new opportunities. And it doesn’t matter if you work at a FAANG company or not.

Just 30 minutes a day of strategic writing can have a significant impact.

John from Coding Challenges, in today’s guest appearance, dives into the power of a daily writing habit, and I’ll show you how to use feedback from that process to supercharge your career.

Take it away, John!

Why Do I Write Daily?

Before I answer this question, I want to give you a quick overview of my growth. In just 12 months (2023-2024), my audience grew from 3K to 130K, and now it’s over 190K.

Here’s why this even happened…

In March 2022, I accepted a new job. They found me through LinkedIn

I’ve been on LinkedIn since May 2003, and it’s been a great way to network and keep in touch with past colleagues, but this was the first time a recruiter had found me, and it looked like I’d landed a dream job.

The dream didn’t last long. By the time the layoffs sweeping through the Tech Industry, had affected me, as a recent hire, my network was strong enough that I already had my next role lined up.

That’s when I knew I needed to take LinkedIn more seriously. And I committed.

I started checking it every few days and making the odd post and a few comments.

But by February 2023, I noticed something: posting led to attention. Facing the end of my contract, I doubled down. In March 2023, I committed to writing daily.

One year later, I turned my 3k followers into 130,000!

And while a few posts went viral, it wasn’t virality that fueled my growth. It was consistency.

I started by sharing Coding Challenges — projects that help engineers learn new technologies. People found them useful. That visibility led to speaking gigs, consulting offers, and, ultimately, a full-fledged training business.

Now, I get to do what I love and have the time for what matters to me.

None of this happened by accident. It started with a simple daily writing habit.

Why Every Software Engineer Should Write Daily

You and I write tons of words. In code. This is our craft. But I want to encourage you to not treat writing and posting daily as an afterthought, even though it probably feels like one right now.

But here’s the thing: code doesn’t speak for itself — people do.

If you want to have access to opportunities and be seen as the valuable professional you are, you have to talk about what you do.

Great engineers aren’t just problem-solvers. They’re great communicators. They can explain complex ideas, document their thought processes, and articulate the value of their work. Writing daily forces you to:

• Clarify your thinking. If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t fully understand it. Writing helps you refine your thoughts, just like refactoring helps optimize code.

• Stand out in a crowded job market. Recruiters and hiring managers notice engineers who share insights and articulate their expertise.

• Build a reputation beyond your current role. Writing makes you more than just an employee — it turns you into a recognized expert.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that if you want to stand out, advance your career, and unlock new opportunities, writing and posting it online is one of the most valuable skills you can develop.

How to Get Started (Even If You Don’t Know What to Write About)

The biggest barrier to writing? Not knowing where to start. But you don’t need to be an expert to write. You just need to document your journey.

Try this:

1. Write about what you’re learning. Solved a tricky bug? Figured out a new framework? Share it.

2. Talk about your challenges. Struggling with imposter syndrome? Burnout? Debugging a tough issue? Others can relate.

3. Share insights from your work. Architecture decisions, best practices, or even mistakes — these are all valuable.

You don’t need to go viral.

You just need to show up.

And if you do, the right people will start noticing.

And as you post, you’ll start receiving feedback. That’s where the magic happens, right, Dagna?

How Feedback Supercharges Your Growth

That’s exactly right, John!

Most engineers think of writing as a one-way street — you put ideas out, and that’s it. But the real magic happens when you start receiving feedback.

Feedback is like a debugging tool for your thinking. It reveals:

• What resonates (so you can double down on it)

• What’s unclear (so you can refine your message)

• What gaps exist in your knowledge (so you can grow faster)

But to use feedback effectively, you need to do something most people don’t: process it instead of dismissing it.

Why We Dismiss Feedback (And How to Stop)

Still, the reality is that humans naturally dislike feedback — especially when it’s negative. We crave acceptance, belonging, and appreciation, and we fear rejection or criticism.

Why? Because, for most of human history, rejection wasn’t just uncomfortable — it was dangerous.

Our brains evolved in tiny tribal societies where being cast out meant losing access to food, protection, and community. In that environment, social rejection could be a literal death sentence.

So, if receiving negative feedback — like being ignored online — makes you uncomfortable, defensive, or even anxious… You’re not alone. In fact, it’s your brain acting like a perfectly normal human brain.

How to Use Feedback to Improve (Instead of Feeling Discouraged)

Many engineers hesitate to share their thoughts publicly because they fear criticism. But think of feedback the same way you think about code reviews — neither one is personal. In fact, it’s an opportunity to improve.

Here’s how to leverage feedback effectively:

• Engage with comments and discussions. If someone challenges your perspective, consider their point — maybe they’re right, or maybe you just need to clarify your argument.

• Treat every post like an iteration. Just like you wouldn’t ship perfect code on the first commit, your writing will improve with each iteration.

• Use feedback to shape your thinking. The best engineers aren’t the ones who always get things right; they’re the ones who iterate the fastest.

When you shift your mindset from fearing feedback to using it as a tool for iteration, writing online becomes less about proving yourself and more about refining your ideas. Just think of it as user testing. Where the product is your content, and getting interactions — or their lack — is a form of "user testing" that shows you what resonates with your audience, helping you optimize your content.

The Best Opportunities Come from Visibility

Just like John alluded in the beginning of this article:

The best opportunities in your career won’t come from just writing great code.

They’ll come from showing the world how you think and what you stand for.

You don’t need to be an expert.

You don’t need to go viral.

You just need to start.

Want to Build a Writing Habit That Attracts Opportunities?

Writing daily is a game-changer for software engineers. It helps you:

• Think more clearly

• Attract new opportunities

• Leverage feedback for rapid growth

The best part? You don’t need to be an expert or work a FAANG job — you just need a system and support that will get you started.

That’s what John and I have in store for you today. We’re launching a live cohort course From Invisible to In-Demand: LinkedIn for Engineers.

The first session is tomorrow (Tuesday, March 25th).

John will give you the exact system he used to grow to 190K followers on LinkedIn.

And I’ll coach you through imposter syndrome and mindset barriers to ensure you actually take action instead of just accruing new information. I’ll be using the same coaching methods that have helped my clients land skip-level promotions and significant raises in just a few months.

Want to work with us directly?

Sign up for the workshop here (https://maven.com/coding-challenges/linkedin-for-engineers)

And we’ll see you inside tomorrow!

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“This idea is stupid. Here’s a better way to do it.” — a Senior Engineer at 9:04 AM in your typical tech company.

Engineers tend to be rough around the edges.

Cynical, sarcastic, with a sharp sense of humor. Straight to the point. Oblivious to social dynamics. Always trying to optimize the solution, but ignorant about (verbal) delivery (AKA coming off as rude).

Also incredibly smart about complex systems.

I know. That used to be me.

And for a long time, I thought that was just how things were.

That being sharp-edged was part of being sharp-minded.

Until the day, when after a company-wide meeting, I voiced my concerns out loud, and afterward, my Engineering Director came up to me and said:

“Dagna, why did you call our exec leadership team a bunch of idiots?”

Puff.

There went the promotion I’ve been intentionally working towards for over 6 months.

Because of my big mouth, lack of tact, and that brutally direct style, I’m pretty sure my promotion slipped away.

So if you’re an engineer, married to one, or work with one, I’m sure you’ve witnessed scenarios like the one above. But here's the thing: there’s a perfectly valid reason engineers often struggle with soft skills, and it’s not because we’re introverted (!!!)

In this article, I’ll break down the key reasons why this happens and show you how to help the engineers (and other analytically-minded people) in your life that you care about start recognizing the value of building those squishy, unmeasurable people skills.

After all, soft skills can be learned just like any technical skill. And having those skills saves you from mishaps like the one that happened to me and caused missing out on a promotion.

The Underdeveloped Interpersonal Skills of Engineers

Engineers’ job is to solve complex problems using intricate systems.

And our education reflects that. It prioritizes analytical, systems-based thinking, which is excellent for solving technical problems but often leaves interpersonal skills underdeveloped.

As an Engineer, 6+ years into my career, I was excellent at debugging weird production issues, but totally oblivious to how to communicate so others would listen.

This is a common scenario — it happens because of how we are trained to think.

Here are factors at play:

1. Early Career Reinforcement

In the early stages of an engineering career, technical skills are the primary factor in getting hired, and keeping the job. This reinforces the idea that soft skills are secondary or even unnecessary.

Until you hit a glass ceiling that is, and are unable to get a promo you’ve wanted, just like I did.

2. Time and Energy Allocation

Given the complexity of engineering problems, engineers often prioritize technical learning over soft skills, assuming they’ll pick up communication and collaboration naturally over time.

Somehow this critical set of skills that’s at the core of solving problems — working with others and communicating properly — is a total after-thought.

If you want to grow your soft skills, you need to put in the time, just like you did when mastering the most recent programming language in your tech stack.

3. Logical Over Emotional Thinking

Many analytically minded people default to logic and problem-solving frameworks. In that frame of mind you may view emotions, social dynamics, or interpersonal nuances as unpredictable or inefficient. When in reality these are all signals — indicators of what’s working and what’s not.

But engineers are never taught how to recognize those signals and decode them.

4. Misconception That People Are Born With Soft Skills

Some believe that soft skills are personality traits rather than learnable skills.

I mean, if I got a dollar every time I’ve heard “I’m an introvert, so I don’t have soft skills” excuse, I’d be a millionaire by now.

It’s just an excuse.

Just like in point #2, let me reiterate here, soft skills, are… Skills. And just like riding a bike or crafting a deployment pipeline, there’s a learning curve.

5. Delayed Feedback Loop

The impact of weak soft skills often isn’t immediately obvious. That’s exactly what happened in my situation. Lack of soft skills was a career roadblock for me, and I didn’t connect the dots for years.

6. Measurability Bias

Engineers are used to working with tangible, measurable outcomes. The new feature works, or doesn’t? Is the bug still in prod? How many APIs are now broken with the forced dependency update?

On the other hand, soft skills like communication, leadership, or emotional intelligence are harder to quantify, making them seem less critical compared to technical expertise.

For many engineers, it’s very unclear how to improve something they can’t directly measure.

7. Cultural Influence in Tech

Many engineering environments prioritize technical mastery.

If all you’re talking about at work are the latest tech trends — like how AI is taking over junior devs’ jobs or migrating your stack from microservices because they’re not as hot as everyone thought — then it’s easy to overlook soft skills.

When no one in your immediate circle is talking about them, there’s little incentive to develop them.

The Turning Point

At some point, many engineers realize that technical skills alone aren’t enough. What brought you to that Senior level, won’t take you to the Staff, Architect, or Managerial level.

To succeed at the highest levels, you need to work well with others, communicate effectively, and navigate social dynamics just as skillfully as you navigate complex codebases.

And that’s the trick: When engineers see soft skills as an engineering problem to solve, they become much more open to developing them.

Here’s How You Save Relationships With Those Grumpy, Sarcastic Computer Geniuses With Big Caring Hearts

Or, how you save yourself when you’re one of them 😉 (I’ve earned the right to say that because I have been that way-too-direct-to-the-point-of-being-rude engineer).

To help engineers and analytically minded people see the importance of investing in soft skills, you need to speak the proper language — one of logic, efficiency, and measurable impact. Here are some effective strategies:

1. Show the Data

Engineers trust numbers, so give them evidence.

• Studies show that emotional intelligence (EQ) accounts for 90% of what sets high performers apart (Daniel Goleman).

• Engineers who develop leadership and communication skills earn significantly higher salaries and reach higher roles faster.

• Poor communication is a top reason projects fail (Project Management Institute reports estimate it causes 56% of project failures).

2. Frame It as an Optimization Problem

Soft skills aren’t a "nice-to-have" — they reduce friction in workflows, increase efficiency, and optimize teamwork.

• Miscommunication leads to wasted time, rework, and frustration.

• Better negotiation skills help engineers push for better tools, salaries, and career growth.

• Stronger leadership skills make projects smoother, reducing stress and delays.

3. Use Engineering Analogies

• Communication = APIs → Just like software components need clean, well-documented APIs to work together efficiently, teams need clear communication to function properly.

• Emotional intelligence = Debugging Human Systems → Understanding team dynamics is like debugging a complex system. Identifying bottlenecks (interpersonal conflicts) and optimizing processes (better collaboration) improves performance.

By presenting soft skills as a logical, high-ROI investment, engineers are much more likely to take these improvements seriously.

Closing Thoughts

Engineers are often brilliant problem-solvers — but when it comes to soft skills, many struggle. So if you have ever wondered how someone can be so smart about designing or debugging complex systems yet so clueless about social interaction… Well, now you know why.

It’s not because of personality traits but because engineering training prioritizes hard technical skills and doesn’t value soft people skills enough.

I learned this the hard way — missing out on a promotion and not connecting the dots for a few years. And I’m not alone.

But here’s the truth: soft skills can be learned, just like technical skills. And when framed as an optimization problem, engineers are more likely to embrace them.

I’d love to know — if you're an engineer, married to one, or work with one — how soft skills have impacted you? Let me know in the comments. 👇

Sign up for this newsletter today, and get my upcoming free email course: “Leverage Feedback to Accelerate Your Growth,” and learn how I used it to go from Junior to Senior Engineer in 2 years and how my clients used this exact strategy to get skip-level promotions, increase their salaries by 20k-100k, and got past Imposter Syndrome.

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"I told you this already!"

I was mad at my coworker, angrily sighed, and rolled my eyes, feeling super annoyed.

I mean, how many times do I need to repeat myself?

Was he even paying attention?

We’ve all been there — frustrated when someone forgets something we know we told them. It could be your partner forgetting about an event, a colleague missing a deadline, or a friend not recalling a conversation.

In all these 3 scenarios, it just feels like they weren’t paying attention.

But what if the problem isn’t them?

The truth is that expecting people to remember things just because we said them once goes against the way human brains actually work. Memory isn’t a hard drive where information is permanently stored and retrieved at will. It’s a dynamic, reconstructive process that filters, prioritizes, and sometimes forgets information.

So why do we assume others will remember? And why do they so often forget? In this article, I’ll break it down and leave you with actionable strategies on what to do instead.

How Memory Actually Works

Memory operates in stages:

1. Encoding – When we first receive information, our brain decides how to process and store it. Some details get deeply embedded, while others barely register.

2. Storage – Information is either retained in short-term memory (which lasts minutes to hours) or long-term memory (which can last a lifetime).

3. Retrieval – Later, when we try to recall something, we reconstruct the memory from fragments rather than replaying an exact recording.

Here’s why someone might forget what we’ve told them:

1. The Information Wasn’t Strongly Encoded

Not everything we hear makes it into long-term memory. If someone isn’t fully engaged, distracted, or simply doesn’t see the information as particularly relevant at the time, it won’t stick.

Think about how many conversations you have daily. How many bits of information compete for your attention. Your brain can’t store everything, so it prioritizes what it deems most important. If the information isn’t repeated or emotionally significant, it’s likely to fade.

2. Competing Bits of Data

The brain is constantly processing new input. If someone learns many things in a short period, older information can get buried. This is especially true in today’s world, where notifications, emails, and conversations all compete for cognitive space.

For example, if you tell your partner something while they’re checking their phone or thinking about work, their brain may never fully encode it. The information isn’t lost — it was never firmly stored in the first place.

3. The Context Mismatch Problem

Memories are often tied to the context in which they were formed. If you tell someone something while they’re cooking dinner, they might struggle to recall it later in a work meeting.

This is why students perform better on tests when they take them in the same room where they studied — the environmental cues help trigger recall. If the memory lacks strong mental links, it becomes harder to retrieve later.

4. The Forgetting Curve

Psychologist Hermann Ebbinghaus discovered that people forget nearly 50% of new information within an hour and up to 80% within a few days unless it’s reinforced. This is called the Forgetting Curve.

If you want someone to remember something, one exposure isn’t enough. Repetition, reminders, and follow-ups dramatically increase retention.

5. Cognitive Load and Overwhelm

The human brain can only juggle so much information at once. If someone is already managing multiple tasks, stressors, or distractions, their working memory might be at capacity.

Imagine telling a colleague about a project update while they’re preparing for a major presentation. Or telling your spouse about an important event while they’re dealing with the kids or are deeply involved in something like cooking.

Even if they hear you, their brain might deprioritize that information to focus on the immediate task.

Why We Assume People Will Remember

If memory is so imperfect, why do we expect others to remember what we say? Several cognitive biases trick us into believing that information should be as clear to others as it is to us.

1. The Illusion of Importance

We assume that what’s important to us is also important to others. If we’re emotionally invested in something, we expect others to process and remember it with the same intensity.

2. The Curse of Knowledge

Once we know something, we struggle to imagine what it’s like not to know it. This makes us overestimate how well others remember what we’ve said.

For example, a manager might believe they’ve given clear instructions, but because they understand the full context, they don’t realize their team is missing some key pieces to fully get it.

3. Expecting Memory to Work Like a Hard Drive

Many people intuitively believe that memory functions like a recording device — once something is stored, it should be retrievable.

I mean, many detective TV shows portray witness testimony, based on their memories, as the ultimate tool in solving crimes and delivering justice.

In reality, memory is reconstructive, meaning it changes over time and isn’t always accessible when needed.

4. The Emotional Weight Disparity

If something is meaningful to us, we assume it should be just as important to others. But people prioritize information differently. Just because you found a conversation significant doesn’t mean the other person’s brain assigned it the same weight.

For instance, you might vividly remember a heartfelt discussion with a friend, but they might have been focused on their own thoughts at the time, causing the details to slip away.

5. The Illusion of Communication

We often think that once we’ve said something, our job is done.

But communication isn’t just about saying what you want to say — it’s about ensuring the message is received, understood, and remembered.

Just because words were spoken doesn’t mean they were fully processed. Checking for understanding, asking for confirmation, and following up are crucial to making communication stick.

How to Help Others (and Yourself) Remember

Since memory isn’t perfect, how can we improve retention and reduce frustration when people forget?

1. Use Repetition

Saying something once isn’t enough. If something is important, repeat it in different contexts. This strengthens memory encoding and retrieval.

2. Reinforce with Visuals and Written Cues

People remember information better when it’s paired with images, notes, or written reminders. This is why meetings often include slides and why sticky notes on the fridge help with remembering tasks. Or why scheduling reminders on your own calendar helps so much.

3. Check for Understanding

Instead of assuming someone remembers, ask them to repeat back key points. This isn’t micromanaging — it’s ensuring your message actually got received.

4. Use Emotional and Personal Connections

We remember things better when they’re tied to emotions or personal relevance. If you want someone to recall something, link it to their interests or experiences.

5. Follow Up at the Right Time

Timing matters. Reminding someone of a task when they’re overwhelmed won’t be effective. Instead, prompt them when they’re in a better mental space to process the information.

Final Thoughts

The next time you feel frustrated that someone forgot something you told them, remember — it’s not personal. It’s just how the brain works.

Forgetting is completely normal, and memory isn’t perfect. By embracing strategies like repetition, reinforcement, and timely follow-ups, you can significantly reduce the "I told you this already!" moments.

Want to take it a step further and take your own mental performance to the next level? I help ambitious professionals optimize their brains to eliminate frustration, enhance focus, and operate at their best — so they can go from stressed to strategic, confident, and in control.

Schedule here, and let’s get started: www.themindfuldev.com/strategy-call

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You tell yourself you’ll get it all done today.

The list looked manageable until… The hours slipped away. Urgent tasks piled on. And distractions snuck in.

By evening, you’re staring at the same unfinished list, feeling frustrated, exhausted, and somehow… behind.

I know that feeling all too well. I spent years overcommitting, convinced I could squeeze more into a day than reality allowed. That left me overwhelmed, burned out, and constantly battling procrastination.

Now, as a parent of four and a business owner, I’ve had to find a better way. Not just to get things done — but to stay sane while doing them. Your version of busy might look different — juggling a 9-5 while building something on the side — but the challenge is the same: how to use the time we have in the best way possible.

After all, time in a day isn’t limitless.

A calendar reflects this reality since it has a fixed capacity. To-do lists, on the other hand, invite time blindness and the illusion that we can do loads of tasks. That illusion leads to overcommitment, which breeds frustration, which fuels procrastination, trapping you in a vicious cycle of always feeling behind.

Always feeling like you’re failing.

Unless… You stop letting to-do lists run your life and start living from your calendar instead. Here’s why that change was a game-changer for me — and how it can be for you, too.

Using the Calendar Is the Better Approach

Using a calendar forces you to treat time like the finite resource it is. Instead of reacting to an ever-growing list of tasks, you could proactively design your days with intention by scheduling your tasks in a calendar.

This leads to better productivity, reduced stress, and a greater sense of control over your time.

1. Prevents Overcommitment

• To-do lists are infinite, while calendars have a set capacity.

• Scheduling tasks forces you to be realistic about what fits in your day.

• Helps avoid burnout by setting clear boundaries on where the time goes.

2. Reduces Decision Fatigue

• To-do lists require constant prioritization and reevaluation.

• A calendar eliminates guesswork — just follow your schedule.

• Saves mental energy for deep work instead of planning on the fly.

3. Creates Accountability & Structure

• You’re less likely to procrastinate when a task has a designated time slot.

• Encourages better time discipline and intentionality.

• Blocking time for tasks increases follow-through, especially if you have reminders set on.

4. Improves Time Awareness & Focus

• To-do lists make time feel abstract, while calendars show exactly where your hours go.

• Helps you see patterns in how long things actually take, including avoiding the trap of endlessly chasing unfinished tasks.

• Encourages batching tasks and minimizing distractions.

Here’s How You Can Get Started

If you want to ambitiously go all in and ditch to-do lists overnight, don’t.

I don’t want you to fail.

Start slow. Start with tracking where your time actually goes. Do it for a week — or even better, a month — and get a reality check on what’s actually possible in this season of your life.

It’s an eye-opener.

How to Track Your Time (Without Overwhelm)

If you’ve never done this before, don’t worry — this method is simple and takes just a few minutes to set up.

1. Create a Dedicated Calendar – I have a separate “Time tracking” calendar that I created in my Google Calendar, so it doesn’t clutter my main view. It’s super easy to add.

   

   
   

2. Sync Your Calendar – If you read emails on your phone, you likely have this set up already in your Accounts (or Calendar Accounts).

3. Use Your Calendar – Open your calendar app (I use my iPhone’s native calendar synced with my Google Account) and hit the plus button to add a new event.

4. Label It – Write a quick description of what you did in that block of time. And that’s it.

   

5. Review Once Every Week – Go back and analyze where your time actually went.

What Tracking Your Time Can Teach You

Once you start tracking, you’ll gain insights unique to your own routines.

Maybe you’ll realize you’re overcommitting.

Maybe you’ll find that certain tasks take up much more of your time than you thought.

Or maybe, like me, you’ll finally understand why you can never finish that DIY-100-hour project in just one weekend.

Either way, this experiment is worth trying — even if just for a week.

When I tracked for a month, here’s what I noticed:

• I spend most of my time on things and people I genuinely care about

• I’ve been setting unfair expectations for myself

• Batching tasks makes life so much easier

• I need to tackle mentally taxing tasks somewhere between 10 AM and 1 PM, and when I don’t… procrastination wins

• Clear communication with my husband about kid duties was a game-changer — I’m the morning mama, he’s the evening-duty dad, and that aligns with our circadian rhythms.

The Big Takeaway: Calendars Make It Possible To Make Your Time Count

Seeing my numbers was freeing. It gave me clarity and permission to set realistic goals for this busy but beautiful season of life. And because I don’t have much time available, this perspective allowed me to optimize the time I do have.

With to-do lists, I’d still be stuck in the frustration-procrastination cycle of overcommitting myself, blind to the fact that we only get so many hours in a day.

So, here’s my challenge to you: Track your time for a week. No judgment, just data. Then ask yourself — are you spending your time on what truly matters? And if not, what small shifts could you make to change that?

Because time isn’t just something to just manage. It’s something to invest — in what you care about, in what moves you forward, in building the kind of life you actually want.

And once you’ve tried this approach, let me know in the comments below!

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One day, I won’t be here to guide them.

That thought haunts me.

Life is unpredictable. And while I hope to be by my kids’ side for decades, I know that my real job as a parent isn’t to protect them from hardship. It’s to prepare them for it.

I don’t want to raise children who crumble when life gets tough. I want to raise kids who stand tall, face challenges head-on, and create lives filled with meaning, resilience, and success. I want to make sure I help my kids build mental toughness, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of self — things that will serve them as a solid foundation for life.

Because the world won’t always be kind.
Opportunities won’t always be fair.
And I won’t always be there to catch them.

But if I do my job right, they won’t need me to.

Parent’s responsibility is to prepare their child to deal with the world and whatever life throws at them. But it seems that not all the parents get the memo. In case your parents didn’t, consider this your chance to take these lessons and reparent your inner child.

Here are the 20 lessons I plan to engrave in my kids’ brains before they turn 10 — when their focus shifts to their peers — so they can win at the game of life, no matter what challenges come their way.

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1. My Love for You Is Unconditional

“Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you. You don’t have to earn my love with good grades, good behavior, or achievements. And you won’t lose it if you mess up. I will sometimes get angry at you, but that will pass. My love will always be there, no matter what.”

And then, beyond saying it, I make sure they feel it:

• When they make mistakes, I respond with love first.

• When they push boundaries, I remind them they’re still safe with me.

• When they’re upset, I am their calm, steady presence.

• When they fail, I remind them they are more than their mistakes.

If they carry this deep knowing into adolescence and beyond, they’ll always have a safe foundation to return to. No matter where life takes them.

2. You Are Enough, Exactly As You Are

Before the world tries to convince them otherwise, I make sure they know their worth isn’t based on achievements, looks, or popularity. I reinforce that they are loved for who they are and just because they are, not because of what they do.

3. You Can Do Hard Things

When they face challenges — like doing house chores they don’t want to do — I remind them: “This feels tough, but you’ve done hard things before. You can figure this out.”

Small responsibilities, like cleaning up their toys or organizing all their shoes, stretch their abilities and build confidence in their capabilities.

4. Mistakes Are How You Learn

I normalize trial and error as part of life. As a recovering perfectionist, I am extra cognizant of how important this lesson is. I mean, after all, failure isn’t a dead end! It’s a stepping stone. I want to teach my kids to ask: “What can I learn from this?”, so they can fail fast and keep on moving forward.

5. You Are Always Learning and Growing

Who they are today isn’t who they’ll be forever. With every new chapter in their life, they will adapt and change and become a new version of themselves.

I want to make sure that I help them see themselves as a work in progress, capable of evolving, improving, and overcoming any challenge life throws at them.

6. Effort Matters More Than Talent

Talent is a great benefit, but hard work, persistence, and learning from failure is what actually determines success. I want to teach them that success in life comes from consistent effort, not just natural abilities.

That’s why I praise my kids’ effort, the work they put in, and not just the results.

7. Discomfort Is Temporary, And You Can Handle It

Pain, failure, and frustration are part of life, but they don’t last forever. Everything eventually passes.

Even though it’s tempting for me to try and rescue them ASAP, I try my best to teach them to sit with discomfort rather than avoid it. This will help them handle difficult emotions, rejection, and setbacks without giving up.

Life is full of these.

8. Your Emotions Are Messengers

I model this for my kids. I cry in front of them. I get angry in front of them. I dance when I’m happy in front of them. And then we name those feelings out loud.

Recognizing and naming their emotions is such a key skill. Because only when they are aware of their internal state, they’re able to do something about it.

I see too many people around me, not aware of what they’re feeling and living their lives in a miserable reactive mode. I don’t want that for my kids.

9. Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

“Your brain will sometimes make things up. Sometimes, those will be mean things. Sometimes, they will be silly things, and sometimes, they will make you sad. But you can always talk to your brain to think of something else.”

I teach my kids that what they focus on grows. If they believe they can figure something out, they will. If they tell themselves they can’t, they won’t.

I know this lesson is already growing strong roots because sometimes, when they misbehave, they tell me: “Mama, my brain told me to do it. “

10. You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness

“Mama, I’m boooooooooreeeeed” is how my kids express their frustration. That’s when I ask, “What can you do about it?”.

I remind them that it’s their own responsibility to do something when they feel unhappy. It’s not my job, or their dad’s, or their siblings, or their friends. Because happiness comes from their own thoughts, choices, and actions. No one else is responsible for making them happy.

On top of teaching them to own their responsibility for their own happiness, this also helps them wire their brain to tolerate downtime, develop creativity, and build self-motivation — all essential for resilience and future success.

11. The World Owes You Nothing. Go Earn It

I’m a millennial, and when I was growing up, there was this emerging trend of “stress-free” parenting that led to entitled spoiled brats with no grit, unrealistic expectations, who after growing up struggled with authority, handling conflict, and suffered from emotional fragility, because they never learned how to navigate stress or uncertainty.

In other words this trend created people who are completely unprepared for dealing with life. I want to make sure that this does not happen to my kids.

No one is coming to hand them success. Entitlement leads to disappointment. Taking ownership, on the other hand, is what leads to great life outcomes.

That’s why I encourage my kids to take the initiative — whether it’s helping at home, solving their own problems, or earning things they want.

12. Problems Are Just Puzzles Waiting to Be Solved

Whenever my kids blame others for their own problems, I validate their feelings (so they would pay attention to what I say next) and then help them shift their focus on things they do control. Like what are they going to do about it.

As an engineer who loves puzzles, I want them to have this problem-solving mindset and see challenges like a puzzle they get to solve and figure it out.

13. Ask for Help When You Need It

Asking for help is a superpower that multiplies the outcomes and makes life better for everyone involved. Needing help isn’t weakness, it’s normal part of life.

This is another lesson I had to learn the hard way: trying to do it all by myself and burning out. So now I model asking for help myself so that my kids see that it’s normal.

The smartest people I know don’t try to do everything alone. They ask for help and make life better for everyone involved.

14. Self-Discipline Is the Key to Freedom

Real success isn’t about motivation — it’s about doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t feel like it. The more they practice self-discipline, the more control they’ll have over their lives. And many studies have shown that delaying gratification is one of the strongest predictors of success in life.

So I give my kids small opportunities to wait, set small goals, and follow through, even when it’s inconvenient. If they clean up their toys, they get an extra 15 min to play before bedtime. If they eat their veggies, they get their choice of dessert. If they do good throughout the week, they get to watch their favorite TV show on a Saturday morning, while snuggling with me on the sofa.

15. Integrity Matters More Than Approval

I want to teach my kids to do the right thing even when no one is watching. I tell them they always have a choice. And every choice has consequences.

The ability to stand by their values will serve them far more than fitting in with the wrong crowd.

16. Your Words and Actions Shape Your Relationships

I emphasize honesty, keeping promises, and treating others with respect. Because those 3 are important in creating meaningful relationships with others. The quality of their friendships, professional networks, and personal relationships will play a massive role in their happiness, resilience, and life’s overall success.

What people will think of and how they will relate to my kids will be based on how they treat others, follow through on commitments, and handle tough situations.

And since meaningful relationships are the foundation of a fulfilling life, I want to make sure I teach my kids how to create and maintain those.

17. Friendships Should Feel Safe and Supportive

Not all friendships are worth keeping. I want to teach them to notice who makes them feel good about themselves and who drains them. If someone treats them poorly, I want them to know that they don’t have to stay friends.

18. Who You Surround Yourself With Shapes Your Future

We naturally absorb the beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes of those around us.

I want to make sure to teach my kids to choose wisely. So they can have a strong support system. If they surround themselves with supportive, ambitious, and kind people, they’ll be more likely to grow into confident, driven, and emotionally intelligent individuals. If they’re around negativity, complacency, or toxic influences, it can hold them back, no matter how smart or capable they are.

19. Confidence Comes From Action

Confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build by doing.

None of us was born confident, and I want to make sure my kids know this. I want them to feel the fear and do it anyway. I want them to believe in their ability to figure things out. I want them to see progress through their effort, so that every time they face a challenge, take a risk, or practice a skill, they will prove to themselves that they’re capable.

I want my kids to be unstoppable.

20. Life Isn’t Fair. But You Can Still Win

Just like I did in my life, my kids will face unfair situations, setbacks, and bad luck.

So by teaching them early that life isn’t fair, I want to help them accept reality instead of wasting energy wishing things were different. I mean complaining, ruminating or getting angry at things we can’t control doesn’t really fix anything.

But taking action does. I want to teach my kids to focus on what they can control and move forward anyway. Because they can control their thoughts, actions, and how they show up in the world.

Life won’t always play by the rules — but if they learn to play their best game anyway, they’ll always have a chance to win.

Those are the lessons I wished I learned earlier on. And now I get to pass these lessons to my kids.

Closing Thought

If they internalize even half of these, they’ll have a solid foundation to navigate whatever comes their way — even when they stop listening to me. My kids will be resilient, driven, and prepared for success — no matter what path they’ll take.

After all, as a parent, I can’t control the world my kids will grow up in, but I can do my best to equip them with the wisdom and mental strength to handle whatever comes their way.

And if you didn’t grow up with these lessons yourself, I want you to know that it’s never too late to learn them. Your inner child is still listening and waiting for the guidance and reassurance they may not have received. You have the power to reparent yourself — to offer the wisdom, kindness, and love that you always needed.

Because at the end of the day, whether we're raising children or healing ourselves, the goal is the same: to grow into the kind of person who moves through life with mental strength and a sense of purpose.

We all deserve a life well-lived.

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Your mind goes blank. Your pulse races. The question hangs in the air, and suddenly, words feel just out of reach.

You prepared. You practiced. You know your stuff. But in this high-stakes moment — an interview, a client pitch, a big meeting — your brain refuses to cooperate. Instead of delivering a sharp, confident response, you’re battling through the mental fog.

You scramble while the clock keeps ticking.

Why does this happen? And more importantly — how can you stop it?

In this article, I’ll break down the neuroscience behind brain fog in high-pressure situations and show you how to override it with my counterintuitive strategy.

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Here’s How Brain Fog Might Look Like for You

“Whenever I talk to interviewers at those Big Tech companies, I feel intimidated”, Kevin told me. He often questioned his abilities and was plagued by self-doubt, especially when faced with interviewers with impressive credentials.

He was so afraid of making mistakes that whenever he made one, his stress levels spiked, causing mental fog to kick in. This had a huge negative impact on his ability to present himself, his skills, and his qualifications well in an interview setting.

Here are 7 other ways how brain fog can affect you in an interview or any other high-stakes situation:

1. Difficulty Formulating Responses: You might struggle to put your thoughts into coherent sentences, pausing frequently or trailing off mid-sentence.

2. Slower Reaction Time: Instead of responding quickly, you might take longer to process questions, giving the impression of hesitation or uncertainty.

3. Forgetfulness: You might forget key details about your experience or something specific mentioned earlier in the conversation. And then you look unprepared.

4. Mental Fatigue: As the interview progresses, you might show signs of mental exhaustion, like zoning out or appearing distracted.

5. Difficulty with Complex Questions: When asked multi-part questions, you might struggle to break them down, leading to incomplete answers.

6. Self-Doubt and Anxiety: Brain fog can heighten anxiety, making you second-guess yourself or overthink your responses. This might entrap you in a cycle of overanalyzing your answers or worrying about how you’re being perceived.

7. Body Language: Your posture might become tense, and you may fidget or avoid eye contact, signaling stress to the interviewer.

All of this leads to weak performance and missed opportunities. Because, when brain fog affects your communication, confidence, and presence, it makes you appear less competent, less prepared, and less engaged — even if you do have the skills and experience needed for the role.

Your Amygdala Just Hijacked Your Interview

The amygdala is your brain’s threat detection system. In dangerous situations, it overrides rational thinking and triggers an amygdala hijack — an immediate emotional response before your logical brain (the prefrontal cortex) has a chance to step in.

This is a lifesaver in actual life-threatening situations. But in modern settings, like a job interview, it becomes a liability. When the brain equates high stakes (a job offer, financial security, career advancement) with high threat, even when there’s no real danger, it results in a system overdrive — treating an interview like a survival scenario.

And that’s when things get messy.

• Mild hijack? You enter fight-or-flight mode. Anxiety spikes, and your brain scrambles.

• Intense hijack? You drop into freeze mode. Mental shutdown. Blank mind. Zero words.

This response is often driven by fear of failure, self-doubt, or past negative experiences, causing brain fog just when you need to be sharp.

So what’s actually happening under the hood? Let’s break it down.

1. Amygdala Activation (Amygdala Hijack)

Whenever you face a stressful situation like an interview, the amygdala perceives the situation as a threat — whether it's due to fear of judgment, failure, or performance anxiety. This triggers the fight-or-flight response. The body prepares to react to this perceived threat by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which help in quick decision-making but can impair higher cognitive functions.

The stress response floods the brain with these hormones, which then divert resources away from the prefrontal cortex.

2. Prefrontal Cortex Disruption

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is crucial for executive functions — things like attention, working memory, decision-making, and self-regulation. Under stress, especially in a high-pressure situation like an interview, blood flow to the PFC may be reduced, impairing these abilities. When the prefrontal cortex doesn’t function optimally, then you experience that dang brain fog, cutting you off from higher-level cognitive tasks like problem-solving, answering complex questions, or remembering details.

As a result, you might find it hard to think clearly, organize your thoughts, or keep your focus on the task at hand.

3. Complete Shutdown

If the stress becomes too overwhelming, your body's freeze response might get triggered. In this response, your brain essentially "shuts down" to protect itself from overstimulation.

It’s a more extreme reaction than the fight-or-flight response and happens when the brain assesses the threat as too much to handle, like in situations of extreme public pressure or feeling completely powerless without having the option to escape.

In this state, you might become disconnected from what’s happening around you. It’s your brain’s attempt at protecting you from overwhelming stress.

4. The Role of Cortisol and Resource Allocation

When the stress response kicks in, cortisol floods your system, triggering several physiological changes that prioritize survival. In fight-or-flight mode, cortisol redirects energy toward essential functions, like the muscles and heart, preparing the body for immediate physical action.

This energy shift helps the body respond quickly, but it also means less energy is available for higher-level cognitive tasks, like thinking through complex problems or recalling specific details.

As cortisol surges, your cognitive functions like memory retrieval and decision-making take a backseat, which is why you might find yourself struggling to remember important points or organize your thoughts during a stressful moment like an interview.

5. Mental Fog as a Result of Resource Redirection

As the body prepares for survival, your brain shifts focus away from higher-level cognitive tasks (like thinking clearly or staying calm) and instead directs energy to fight-flight-or-freeze mechanisms.

This is where the mental fog kicks in.

In essence, your brain becomes "short-circuited," prioritizing quick reactions or playing dead for survival over thinking things through logically, which results in that mental fog that makes it impossible to engage in complex thought or communication.

How to Clear Brain Fog and Perform at Your Best

To manage stress and minimize brain fog, you need strategies that help calm your system and re-engage your prefrontal cortex. In order to do that, you want to make sure your brain feels safe.

Creating an environment of psychological safety is your best bet for fighting against brain fog.

Why? Because when you feel safe, your nervous system remains calm and focused, and that’s when you can use your mental resources for thinking, problem-solving, and performing well instead of managing stress and fear.

Here’s what I do — and highly recommend you do, too — right before and during a high-stakes meeting, like an interview:

1. Prep Yourself With a Pep-Talk

Why it works: A pep talk before an interview is powerful because it helps shift your mindset from fear and self-doubt to confidence and focus. Giving yourself a few minutes to center yourself helps calm the nervous system.

Also, by giving yourself a pep talk, you activate the prefrontal cortex, reinforcing a sense of control and capability.

How to implement it:

• Find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed (I usually just use a bathroom).

• Stand or sit in front of the mirror, look yourself deep in the eyes, and give yourself a confidence boost. Tell yourself: “I’ve prepared for this. I am capable. I’m here to grow. I can do this.”

• Acknowledge that regardless of the outcome, you’ll be okay. “Even if I don’t land this job, this is valuable practice of interviewing, and the right opportunity will come my way.”. This framing helps reduce performance anxiety.

2. Use Your Body: Stand in a Hero Pose

Why it works: Our body language has a profound effect on how we feel. Power poses (like standing tall with hands on hips, chest open, and feet apart) signal to your brain that you’re in control, which reduces stress hormones and boosts confidence.

How to implement it:

• Stand tall, place your hands on your hips, and take up as much space as possible for 2-3 minutes. I also like to raise my chin.

• Focus on your breath, and feel powerful yet calm.

• In that moment, imagine yourself doing well in the interview (visualize success).

3. Visualize The Outcome Instead Of Worrying About It

Why it works: Visualization taps into the brain’s natural ability to simulate experiences, which can help prepare you emotionally and mentally for the real event. It boosts confidence and reduces anxiety by “rehearsing” success.

How to implement it:

• Close your eyes and visualize the entire interview process: arriving at the location (or logging on for a virtual interview), answering questions with confidence, and leaving the interview feeling proud of your performance.

• Imagine yourself calm and articulate, performing well under pressure. This primes your brain for success.

• You’re most likely doing that already by worrying about failure. Use the exact same process, but reverse the script from negative to positive.

4. Practice Deep Breathing

Why it works: Deep breathing signals to your nervous system that you are safe. It helps to regulate cortisol, promoting a sense of calm and control. On top of delivering more oxygen to the prefrontal cortex, allowing you to think more clearly and perform under pressure.

How to implement it:

• Before the interview, practice 3-5 minutes of deep breathing. A simple technique is box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, and repeat.

• During the interview, if you start feeling anxious or foggy, pause for a few seconds to focus on your breath, bringing yourself back into a calm and centered state.

• You can use a subtle 4-second inhale and 6-second exhale to lower stress quickly without anyone noticing.

5. Prioritize Social Connection Over Perfect Presentation

Why it works: Focusing on connecting with your interviewer as a human being reduces pressure on “getting everything right”. When you build rapport, you naturally reduce your stress levels and increase your chances of having a positive interaction.

How to implement it:

• Shift your mindset from “I need to impress them” to “How can I engage with this person?”

• Ask questions and listen actively to show you care about the conversation, not just your performance. This can make the interview feel more like a conversation than an interrogation.

• I noticed interviewers are more eager to give valuable feedback on how you can improve when they get that sense of connection.

6. (Bonus) Chose Well What You Consume: Hydrate, Eat Nutritious Food, And Avoid Alcohol the Night Before

Why this works: Your brain’s performance in an interview is directly influenced by what you consume before it. Hydration, nutrition, and avoiding alcohol help optimize cognitive function, keep your energy levels steady, and reduce anxiety.

How to implement it:

• Your brain is about 75% water, and when it lacks proper hydration, neurons don’t fire as efficiently. Drink water.

• Alcohol disrupts sleep quality, dehydrates the brain, and impairs memory, focus, and verbal fluency — even the next day. Just don’t drink it.

• Your brain runs on glucose, and if your blood sugar crashes, so does your ability to think clearly. Best foods for an interview setting stabilize your blood sugar and energy levels. I love my millennial avocado toast with a side of nuts for this.

Closing Thoughts

Brain fog kicking in in interviews and other high-stakes situations isn’t a sign that you’re incapable — it’s just your brain’s way of trying to protect you. But the good news is, you’re not at the mercy of your stress response.

By prioritizing your psychological safety and implementing strategies like pep talks, power poses, visualization, and deep breathing, you can prevent the amygdala hijack from taking over. These techniques help calm your nervous system, allowing you to show up as your sharpest, most confident self.

When Kevin worked with me, by applying the steps I outlined — along with a Brain Refactor — he reduced his interview anxiety by 80%. As a result, not only did he perform better in high-pressure situations, but the overall quality of his life improved.

So the next time you walk into an interview, remember: You have the tools to clear the fog and regain control of the moment.

Bye bye, brain fog.

Hello, calm confidence.

If you want the results Kevin got, work with me.

Over the past 6 years, I’ve successfully helped ambitious professionals in tech get past interview anxiety, gain confidence, increase their salaries, and open doors to opportunities they used to dream about.

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If your mental models are faulty or outdated, you’ll repeat the same mistakes, create unnecessary struggles, miss out on opportunities, and feel frustrated without knowing why.

These mental models shape everything — your decisions, relationships, career, and overall happiness.

My grandma instinctively knew that.

She was the happiest person I’ve ever known, despite growing up in post–World-War-II-Poland, surrounded by alcoholics beating their wives, experiencing famine as a child, and witnessing 3 out of 5 of her siblings die in infancy.

Her life was tough. Yet, she radiated joy.

She had this saying: “The most important thing is to be able to explain everything to yourself.”

She was sooooooooo right. Our brains do this all the time, anyway. Automatically. They create meaning for everything that happens to us based on the mental models stored in our brains.

And the good news? You’re not hardwired to think a certain way forever. Your brain is designed to adapt. So, you can consciously choose to update your models. When you do that, you open the door to:

• More Confidence – You replace self-doubt with empowering beliefs that support your growth.

• Stronger Relationships – You let go of limiting perspectives and create deeper, healthier connections.

• Increased Resilience – You see challenges as opportunities, making it easier to bounce back from setbacks.

• Better Decisions – You stop running on autopilot and start choosing actions that align with what you really care about.

• More Success & Fulfillment – You remove the mental roadblocks that hold you back and unlock new possibilities.

In this article, I’ll walk you through my process of identifying, challenging, and updating mental models so you can update the ones that are keeping you stuck in misery and get yourself unstuck.

But first…

Why Do Mental Models Get Outdated?

The brain relies on past experiences, learned patterns, and assumptions to interpret the present and predict the future. However, as our circumstances change — for example, when we enter a new chapter in our life — those old mental models may no longer be accurate or useful.

Here’s why this happens:

1. The Brain is a Prediction Machine

Our brains are wired to anticipate outcomes based on past data. If our environment, needs, or social structures change, but our brain is still using outdated predictions, we might react in ways that are no longer effective.

Exactly this happened to me when I became a parent. I kept living and acting like the pre-baby me, and I ended up burning myself out.

2. Cognitive Biases Reinforce Old Patterns

We develop mental shortcuts to process information quickly, but these shortcuts can also trap us in outdated ways of thinking. For example, confirmation bias makes us seek information that supports what we already believe, even if it's no longer valid.

That’s why discussing your issues with another person can be so valuable! It introduces fresh perspectives, challenges assumptions, and helps uncover different ways of thinking about the problems that you’re facing.

3. Emotional Anchoring

Strong emotional experiences reinforce certain mental models. If something worked for us in the past — especially during high-stress or emotional moments — our brains hold onto that meaning, even when it stops being helpful. For example, imagine you were embarrassed while giving a presentation in school — maybe you forgot your lines, and people laughed.

Your brain linked public speaking with humiliation.

Even years later, despite becoming more skilled, you might still feel anxious before speaking in front of a group because your brain holds onto that outdated emotional imprint.

4. Social and Cultural Evolution

What was considered "normal" thinking decades ago may not align with modern knowledge or societal shifts. For example, beliefs about career stability, mental health, or learning methods have evolved, but some people still operate under outdated assumptions.

And then, on top of that, if you ever immigrate, you’ll realize that cultural beliefs can be completely out of place in your new environment. When I moved from Poland to the United States, it took me years before I realized I needed to update my cultural models because the ones I was operating under were causing unnecessary conflicts and limited my opportunities.

5. Lack of Reflection and Adaptation

Mental models don’t update automatically.

If we don’t regularly challenge our assumptions or expose ourselves to new perspectives, our brains default to familiar ways of thinking.

Even if these models do more harm than good.

It’s just all running on autopilot.

Now, before you get all fired up, angry at your brain for acting this way…

Remember — your brain is just doing what it’s designed by nature to do — it’s being efficient by using mental models it created as shortcuts to process, predict, and react.

But as you grow and life circumstances change, those mental models need to evolve too — so they match the person you’ve become and what you’re trying to accomplish in this stage of your life.

How to Update Your Mental Models

Here’s a structured way to update mental models. As a trained engineer, I like to see this as debugging, optimizing, and refactoring of the mental code running in the brain. Here are the steps:

Step 1: Identify the Bug (Awareness)

Just like in software, outdated or faulty mental models often cause unintended outcomes. Not getting a promotion, failing every single interview, or experiencing unnecessary drama in your relationships.

• Ask yourself: What beliefs, assumptions, or thought patterns are shaping my response to this situation?

• Look for signs of faulty logic: Are you making decisions based on fear, outdated experiences, or someone else’s expectations?

Step 2: Analyze the Source Code (Reflection)

Once you’ve identified a mental model that might be causing the issue and not serving you anymore, dig deeper:

• Where did this belief come from? Was it shaped by past experiences, culture, or authority figures?

• Is it an absolute truth or just one possible interpretation?

Step 3: Run a Debugging Test (Challenge the Model)

Now, test whether your current belief holds up when you really zoom in and analyze closely:

• What evidence supports or contradicts this belief?

• How would someone with a different perspective view this situation?

• Is this belief helping or hindering your growth?

Step 4: Refactor the Code (Reframe & Replace)

If the belief is faulty or limiting, rewrite it with a more empowering perspective:

• Instead of “I’m bad at public speaking,” try “I’m improving my public speaking skills with practice.”

• Instead of “Success requires suffering,” try “Success comes from sustainable effort and smart strategies.”

Step 5: Deploy the New Version (Reinforce the Update)

Your new mental model needs reinforcement to stick:

• Surround yourself with people and experiences that support the new belief.

• Use visualization, affirmations, or journaling to reinforce the updated model.

• Track your progress — each time you act in alignment with your new model, you strengthen it (and lay down new neural pathways that eventually will incorporate this behavior in your autopilot routine)

Step 6: Monitor for Regression (Continuous Optimization)

Mental models, like code, can get reverter. Especially under stress. Stay mindful of old patterns creeping back in:

• Regularly check in with your beliefs and assumptions.

• When you feel stuck, revisit this process to refine and optimize again.

Closing Thoughts

My grandma instinctively knew what neuroscience now confirms: the meaning we assign to events shapes our reality.

She didn’t let hardship define her — she explained it to herself in a way that allowed her to keep moving forward in life with joy.

Your brain is doing the same thing, whether you realize it or not. It’s running on mental models, shaping your decisions, emotions, and opportunities. The question is— are those models serving you or keeping you stuck in misery?

Your brain isn’t broken — it’s just running outdated software.

And you? You’re the engineer.

Update the code.

Optimize your life.

If you need help upgrading your mental models, I can help.

Over the past 6 years, I’ve successfully helped 50+ ambitious professionals in tech do exactly that in a 1on1 coaching, which resulted in doubled salaries, getting past Imposter Syndrome, skip-level promotions, improved relationships, and opening doors to opportunities they used to dream about.

Schedule a call here: themindfuldev.com/strategy-call

Not making a decision is often the worst decision of all.

There’s a steep price you pay when you just can’t decide.

Imagine you just unloaded your dishwasher. You’ve put plates where they need to go and neatly arranged the glasses, and as you are about to put the forks, knives, and spoons away, you decide to take all of that stuff you just put away off the shelf and reorganize it.

You repeat this process 3 more times.

Put the dishes in, pull them out, and reorganize.

Total madness, isn’t it?

Thats’ exactly what you do to your brain, when you get stuck in decision paralysis, overanalyzing every possible outcome, afraid of making the "wrong" choice.

The Cost of Not Deciding

Second-guessing yourself drains mental energy.

Every time you revisit a decision, your brain reprocesses all the pros and cons, wasting precious cognitive resources that could be used elsewhere — just like in that reorganization of the dishes — what a waste. Instead of moving forward, you’re spinning your wheels, exhausting yourself without making progress.

But the worst part? Going back and forth between all the options. Flip-flopping.

It actually happened to me last Wednesday. Basically, I was deciding whether to commit to a new coaching offer. One day, I convinced myself it was the perfect next step. The next, I worried it wasn’t the right time. By Friday, I was mentally exhausted from overanalyzing — and still hadn’t made any progress. That’s when I realized I was stuck in a loop, draining my brain’s resources.

I was just wasting time while my mind kept running in circles, just spinning me into frustration!

And since I’m a coach using neuroscience-backed strategies, I decided to freshen up my memory on how that actually looks like in my brain, and what can I do about it.

What Was Happening in My Flip-Flopping Brain

My brain was stuck in processing mode, instead of moving on to execution mode. Here’s the neuroscience of what was happening inside.

1. The Prefrontal Cortex: The Brain’s Decision-Maker

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is responsible for logical reasoning, weighing pros and cons, and making decisions. When I evaluated my choices, my PFC engaged in cognitive load processing — essentially holding multiple options in my working memory, comparing them, and predicting outcomes.

• Typically when the decision is made → The PFC processes the choice, organizes the next steps, and frees up mental space.

• But because I kept second-guessing → My PFC remained overloaded, holding onto multiple possibilities instead of executing a plan. This typically leads to mental fatigue, and in my case also frustration, and explosive irritability with hair-like trigger.

Imagine the PFC like a computer's RAM — if there are way too many programs running, everything slows down — and sometimes even crashes.

2. The Anterior Cingulate Cortex: The Flip-Flop Zone

The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) detects conflicts between choices. Because I was unsure, the ACC was fired up, signaling that more analysis was needed. This is helpful in real danger (like if you’re deciding whether to escape a burning building), but harmful when used for non-life threatening decisions, like the one I was facing.

• Frequent flip-flopping overstimulates the ACC, which is relly really bad, because that keeps the brain in a loop of doubt instead of action.

• Over time, this creates "decision fatigue," making future choices even harder.

The result? Instead of feeling confident, the brain is literally trained to become more hesitant and uncertain.

3. The Stress Response: Cortisol and the Brain's Energy Drain

Every time I revisited my decisions, my brain released cortisol, the stress hormone. While cortisol is useful in short bursts (again, to help respond quickly to danger), chronic activation from overthinking can lead to:

• Increased mental exhaustion

• Reduced working memory capacity

• More difficulty making future decisions

Over time, this stress response can even shrink the prefrontal cortex, making it harder to think critically and execute decisions effectively.

Shrinking my brain is definitely not something I would want to do long-term!

4. The Reward System: Why Action is the Cure

This was the key to getting myself unstuck, and stopping to waste my precious energy.

I just had to decide.

The brain’s dopamine system rewards progress and forward motion. When I finally made a decision and acted on it, my brain released dopamine, reinforcing the behavior and making future decisions easier.

• Deciding and moving forward = Dopamine boost → More confidence and momentum.

• Indecision and backtracking = No dopamine → More stress and uncertainty.

This is why taking any step forward often feels better than staying stuck.

The Neuroscience-Backed Solution: Decide, Go, Reiterate

Whenever you find yourself stuck in decision paralysis, overanalyzing every possible outcome, and afraid of making the "wrong" choice, do what I did. It will help you avoid that cognitive drain of overthining, by leveraging how your brain naturally works:

1. Set a time limit for decisions – Give your PFC a deadline to process the options and commit. I gave myself an extra weekend and two walks in nature.

2. Trust your brain's first conclusion – Your intuition is often backed by subconscious pattern recognition, it’s also called a gut feeling.

3. Move forward and collect data – Your brain learns best from experience, not endless analysis full of guesstimates.

4. Reassess after a set period (a week, a month, a quarter) – This prevents unnecessary back and forth while allowing adjustments. And it doesn’t mean your decision is final and set in stone. You can always change your mind if the data supports it.

So, Make the Decision and Free Your Mind

Instead of being a madman — or a madwoman — and reorganizing the same dishes over and over and over and over again, just make that imperfect decision in the allocated timeframe, following your gut, with the understanding that you’ll be able to change your mind, if that makes sense later on.

The key isn’t to find the “perfect” choice — it’s to make a decision, take action, and adjust along the way. Our human brains thrive on forward momentum. And when you take action, you’ll be rewarded with clarity, confidence, and a dopamine boost that makes the next step easier.

So, next time you catch yourself stuck in a loop, ask: Am I putting the same dishes away for the fourth time? Or is it time to close the cabinet and move on?

Trust your decision, take the action, and see what happens.

Your energy is better spent elsewhere.

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I was standing in my kitchen, staring at the open fridge door, not even sure why I had opened it. My brain felt like a browser with too many tabs open, each one pulling my attention in a different direction. And the lack of sleep from the past few nights wasn’t helping.

I had just wrapped up a Zoom call, checked on my kids, briefly thinking about a training I’ve started earlier that morning, but couldn’t finish, because of the school dropoff. My day was packed. And now all 3 kiddos were back from school, and it was time to eat.

My mind was everywhere, except being present with me in that kitchen.

It just kept wandering.

The day before I’ve sent a proposal.

If it gets accepted, it could mean a huge opportunity. I’m talking money, exposure, new opportunities… But if it gets rejected, then… Ugh… All kinds of negative scenarios started coming up.

I knew it was unreasonable to expect an answer so soon, but that didn’t stop my mind from running through various scenarios and possible outcomes from the good ones, to the bad ones.

My thoughts were scattered, my focus was gone, and I was completely overwhelmed. I stood there with the fridge door open for a good few minutes, before my husband showed up and announced he had a plan for dinner and was about to cook.

Thank goodness!

So, What Was Happening in My Brain?

The scattered feeling in my brain happened because I had overloaded parts of it, and it entered a dysregulated state. Specifically, these 3 areas were affected: attention, executive function, and working memory networks.

Here’s a neuroscience breakdown of what was happening:

• Cognitive Overload (Prefrontal Cortex Strain): My decision-making center (the prefrontal cortex - PFC) was overwhelmed due to cognitive overload (the meetings, the training, the multitude of small tasks I had to do that day), making it hard for me to focus, plan the next steps, and even make simple decisions. Lack of sleep further reduced my PFC’s capacity, meaning I was operating at like 80% of my usual ability.

• Working Memory Overload (Too Many Open Loops): Working memory, managed by the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (DLPFC), holds and manipulates short-term information. Too much was competing for space — some unfinished tasks, interruptions from my kids, and my mind endlessly cycling through different outcomes of my pitch. My brain struggled to filter distractions and prioritize, making everything feel chaotic.

• Mind-Wandering & Overthinking (Default Mode Network): My DMN was in overdrive. I was jumping between thoughts, ruminating about rejection, daydreaming about success, and constantly revisiting the same scenarios with slight variations. This kind of mental loop was just making me anxious and increasing my stress levels.

Here’s What I Did About It

…and what you can do too if you ever find yourself in this scattered, overwhelmed state.

I asked my husband to take over with the kids and stepped outside for a walk around the block. The crisp air hit my face, immediately snapping me into the present moment. Before I left, I made a conscious decision: my "worry and daydreaming" window was now closed. I wasn’t going to think about that proposal anymore or any of the unfinished tasks.

I used these 4 simple techniques to clear my head:

• Visualization: I imagined a giant brush sweeping through my mind, clearing out the clutter and with it all the thoughts I didn’t wanna think about

• Breathwork: I focused on slow, deep breaths, counting each inhale and exhale to anchor my attention.

• Sensory Grounding: I tuned into my surroundings to call out five things I could feel, four I could hear, three I could see, two I could smell, and one I could taste.

• Affirmations: At the very end of my walk, once I’ve noticed I entered a calmer state of mind, I pulled out my notes on my phone and read out loud from my list of affirmations. This helped me regain a big-picture perspective and reminded me of my values, my goals and goals.

Each of these steps helped shift my brain from future-worry mode to present-focus mode.

The Science Behind Why This Worked

• Single-Tasking (Breathing & Sensory Focus): Helped my prefrontal cortex regain control and reset my focus.

• Closing the Mental Loops: By changing my environment and deciding to close the "worry and daydreaming" window, I essentially closed the open loops.

• Cold Exposure: The crisp air acted as a sensory immersion, disrupting the DMN and stopping the overthink.

• Grounding in the Present: Observing my senses pulled me out of my head and into my body experiencing that very moment.

• Perspective Shift: Reminding myself of what truly matters prevented my thoughts from spiraling into stress and anxiety.

By the time I got back home, my mind was clear. I actually sat down and wrote the first draft of this article.

It’s so good to understand how my brain works, so that I can shift from undesirable states to ones that help me live and experience life the way I want to live it.

The Moral of This Story

Understanding how the brain works is a game-changer.

Only because I recognized my patterns of cognitive overload, I was able to then take intentional steps to reset, refocus, and regain control. You can do that, too.

Stress and overwhelm aren’t just byproducts of a busy life — they’re signals that your brain needs a break, a shift, or a reset. The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in that scattered state. Simple tools like breathwork, visualization, and grounding can help you clear that mental clutter and bring you back to the present moment. The more you practice, the better you’ll become at shifting your brain into states that are aligned with what you’re trying to do with your life.

So next time your mind feels like a browser with too many tabs open, don’t just push through — pause, reset, and give your brain the space it needs to function at its best.

And if you ever find yourself feeling scattered, overwhelmed, or stuck in an anxious loop — try one of these techniques. I’m sure they’ll help you shift, too.

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Trying Ayahuasca in June of 2023 was the cherry on top of all the self-improvement work I’ve done over the years. I loved it. I’ll likely never do it again.

One weekend. 3 ceremonies. 3 guides. 2 integration sessions. About 45 other psychonauts co-journeying with me. 15 volunteers watching over us, including 2 medical staff: a doctor and a nurse.

It was the most profound weekend of my life.

Here’s my story (not medical advice).

Quick disclaimer. Psychedelics can be deadly and can ruin your life.
I wrote about the risks of psychedelics here: Risk Factors To Consider...

Neurofeedback training was as profound in changing my experience of being alive, and it doesn’t come with side effects. Read more about my experience here: Unconventional Strategies for Growth.

The Journey To Get There

I arrived to Orlando on a plane Thursday night. The check-in at Soul Quest, where I scheduled my completely legal psychedelic retreat, was starting the next day, with check-in shortly after 11 AM, so I stayed at an AirBnB.

Being an Eastern European, I decided to take public transit to get there. That required a 30 min walk from my AirBnB in Orlando’s 80 degree weather (26 °C) to hop on a bus. My indoor, chair-n-AC accustomed self, who forgets to drink water, ended up acquiring a dehydration headache from pilgrimaging in that heat.

Once I reached my destination, I snapped a quick selfie, and let my family know I’ve arrived. My cousin texted me back: “I hope you reach the enlightenment you are searching for.”

I checked in, feeling hopeful. Excited even. “10 years of therapy in a weekend” was about to be served.

But first, light lunch. Then, a meeting with the doc to go over my vitals and discuss medical history. And finally I got into the Lotus Lodge, the one from the pic above. It was a barrack with about 20 mattresses on the floor. Around 3ish our integration coaches came in, introduced themselves and shared with us guidance for the journey ahead.

We were asked not to consume anything other than water before the 6PM ceremony. Big part of consuming Ayahuasca is purging, so it’s vital to go in on an empty stomach. Purging can take many forms. It can look like hysterical laughter, uncontrollable crying, full-body shaking… or, less glamorously, vomiting and diarrhea. I experienced the first four.

Thankfully, the toilet was spared.

Facing the Past – the First Ceremony

At 6 PM on Friday, the first ceremony began.

I drank the tea. It wasn’t as disgusting as I had been warned it would be. My first impression? Sugarless, expired cocoa that had accidentally fallen into dirt, been scooped back up, and then boiled with a fistful of earthy spices.

We were told that some people might need more than one cup, while for others, even half a cup of Ayahuasca could send them straight into the deep end. You just don’t know until you try.

I waited. And waited. And… nothing.

Around me, others were yawning, drifting into altered states, whispering through their visions, working through their intentions. Meanwhile, I sat there, wondering if anything was going to happen.

2 hours passed. Then came the celebratory gong, signaling that we could take a second dose if we wanted.

I got up and took another cup.

30 more minutes passed.

I felt mellow. My mind was awake, my body at ease. But nothing extraordinary was happening. Just heightened awareness of my thoughts, which, honestly, wasn’t new for me.

Then the integration coach approached me and offered Hapè. I was down.

He explained what I was about to experience, loaded the tobacco into a long pipe-like applicator, and blew it up my left nostril.

“Whoa” I thought. That really hit me.

The brain-burning feeling of tobacco entering my nose felt cleansing.

After he did both sides, I spat out what trickled down my throat, then let myself collapse onto my floor-level mattress. I spread my arms wide, in a gesture of surrender. I’ve finally let go trying to control, and I’ve surrendered into the experience. I was now ready to receive.

I had come into this weekend with a clear intention: to let go of the past.

In therapy, I learned I had to let go, and forgive those who I thought had wronged me. While consciously, I knew why this would be beneficial for me, deep down inside, I was still holding on to grudges.

I wanted to use psychedelics to integrate what I theoretically knew into my way of being. I wanted to feel it in my heart. I really wanted to let go, forgive, and move on.

And in my very first trip I did exactly that.

I didn’t see anything while I was tripping.

My body was just processing whatever residuals were left to process.

I laughed, freely, like a child. I sobbed, deeply, as if I had lost the love of my life.

And then, I just was.

I felt peace. I felt joy… The kind of joy I had never experienced before.

I felt immense gratitude. For my existence. For every single moment that had led me here.

So when thoughts swirled back into my head, I went back to my intention.

And I did what I came here to do.

I forgave.

I forgave my family, my exes, my friends, my former self — for every mistake, for every perceived wrongdoing. I even forgave the broader forces that had shaped me — my country, my history. The resentment dissolved.

I came out of the first session feeling overflowing with love. I felt that all humans around me were beautiful and I wanted to tell them that and hug every single person, cause I have so much love to give to the world.

I resolved my whole intention for the entire weekend in the very first trip, now what?

Focusing on the Present – the Ceremony in the Rain

The second ceremony was optional.

Some people had just opened up a can of worms, full of immense pain and trauma the night before, and diving back into psychedelics just 14 hours later — before they had even begun to integrate what had surfaced — wasn’t necessarily the best idea.

But for me, after opening the floodgates of love, there was no hesitation. I was in.

This time, we started outside, sitting close to the trees. The weather was perfect. It was warm, but not too hot. Later, rain was in the forecast, and it felt refreshing.

At 8 AM on Saturday, I drank two cups immediately. It had taken two cups to work the night before, so why wait?

It hit me within minutes.

I was the second one to purge. This time, I threw up.

And strangely, it didn’t gross me out the way it normally would. You know that feeling when something unsettles your stomach — twisting, turning, making you nauseous — until you finally hug the john? And then, suddenly, relief washes over you?

That’s how it felt.

Like I had expelled something heavy. As if invisible baggage had been coiled up inside me for years, nestled somewhere deep in my intestines, and now — just like that — it was gone, escaping with that purge.

Then, the real work began.

I really wanted to explore who am I in my closest relationships? With my husband, my kids, my family and friends, my clients. Who am I? And how can I become a better person in those relationships?

I asked for Hapè again.

This time, as the tobacco hit my system, my head suddenly felt heavy. It dropped onto my chest, even though my body remained upright, legs crossed.

And in that moment, I saw it.

My heart.

Big. Bright. Red. Brimming with life and love.

But trapped. Confined inside a tiny, tight cage. A prison built from the very baggage I had been carrying for so long.

It hit me. I’ve been withholding love.

I laid back on my blanket beneath a nearby tree. I laughed, thinking of freeing my huge heart, as I’ve just released the invisible baggage.

And then — my husband. I started talking to him. In my mind. Then, right on cue, the rain began to fall. Droplets hit my face. I broke down in tears, and suddenly, I was apologizing.

I realized how often I had failed to show him the appreciation he deserved — not for anything in particular, but simply for being.

I promised to embrace him more. To hold him more. To see him fully. Because he has played such a key role in my life.

Then, I had another vision.

I saw people dancing around a massive bonfire.

Later, in the integration session, I learned this is a common vision of a spiritual event, something our ancestors may have done thousands of years ago to commune with the spirits.

And then, I saw her.

A georgeous little baby girl, born from a goddess.

I witnessed the birth of a soul.

And instantly, I knew… I was tasked with bringing her to life.

Because I am the bringer of life.

To my children. To my clients. To those I guide.

I bring life. I bring light. I am a lighthouse. I help people see what is.

The experience was once again, so positive, so powerful, so full of love.

What else was there to work on?

A Sneak Peak of the Future - the Final Ceremony

Before the final ceremony at 6 PM on Saturday, we had our first integration meeting.

These meetings felt like group therapy. People shared their experiences, the integration coach helped us interpret the messages, and we all learned and grew together.

I noticed that for many, their journeys were deeply visual. Mine, on the other hand, came mostly in the form of affirmations — sentences that repeated themselves in my mind, messages that felt given to me rather than created by me. Thankfully, I had a notebook. The moment the psychedelic effects passed, I wrote down every affirmation I received, preserving the knowledge I had accessed.

My first two ceremonies had been an 11 out of 10.

I had resolved my past.

I had gained powerful insights into my present.

So for this final ceremony, I asked for something that would guide me into the future.

I asked Ayahuasca to show me my faith, my strength, and my motivation.

And what I experienced felt like a sneak peek into the future.

I died and I came back

This time, the medicine hit me much harder. I had more of the psychedelic substance in my body, and I grappled with my internal excuses. Purging felt difficult — I resisted it. I didn’t want to throw up. I kept coming up with reasons to hold on to my struggle.

But when I finally surrendered…

I purged. I laid back. And I left.

I entered another dimension.

I saw the afterlife.

It was peaceful.

It felt like home.

My soul was simply returning to where it had come from. And there was joy — pure, boundless joy. It felt good to be there.

But then I came back.

I experienced my death in reverse order.

It all played out before me, unraveling backwards.

I experienced my body disintegrating. My senses shutting down. I asked a volunteer to hold my hand, because I felt like I’ve forgotten how to breathe.

And when they held my hand… I felt the fear of dying.

The worst fear I have ever felt.

A fear you can do nothing about. Because the end is near.

And then — my hands.

I saw them. And they looked… old.

They looked like my grandmother’s hands.

It felt so real that I turned to a volunteer and asked, “Are these really my hands? Do they look old to you?”

And then, I started coming back.

I lay on the ground, watching fractals dance in the sky, begging to return.

Scared that I might not.

But, thankfully — I did.

And when the effects finally wore off, I knew, I’ll likely never do this again.

What I took from the experience is that I have a big life ahead of me, and it is my responsibility to put in the work and make it whatever I want it to be.

I died, and I came back. I saw my transition to the afterlife in reverse order. What’s between now and then — I get to create that.

My faith is that I will live a long and beautiful life.

My strength is in my breath. I can breathe through anything.

My motivation is that I am alive. I get to do this.

And this is all I really needed to know. Now I have a lifetime, to implement the wisdom I had accessed.

Summary

Ayahuasca gave me everything I asked for — closure from the past, deep presence in the now, and a vision for my future. But the real work wasn’t in the visions — it’s the integration. In living what I had learned.

This wasn’t about escaping reality. It was about embracing it fully and asking for guidance on how to do exactly that.

What I took from the experience is that I have a big life ahead of me. And it’s my responsibility to put in the work and shape it into what I want it to be.

I also realized how much love I have to give — and how much I’ve been holding back. Not because I didn’t want to share it, but because of the invisible baggage I carried. The excuses I made. But I left those behind. I forgave myself and others. I finally let the past stay in the past.

Now, I’m ready to forge ahead and make it all beautiful.

Because I now know what I need to do.

And I’m doing it.

Follow along, and let’s grow together.

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I’ve tripped exactly 3 times over one weekend, and it’s had life-changing effects.

How come other people who tripped with me didn’t get as much out of it as I did?

I’m a detail and research-oriented kind of person —a trained Engineer— who loves to be prepared and educated when making a decision. Especially one related to taking psychedelics that could potentially cost me my sanity and ruin the rest of my life, not to mention the devastating effects it could have on my family and young children.

Yet, after doing my research, I did it—and it was sooooooooo worth it. I’m a better human being, my relationships are better for it, and my quality of life increased tremendously.

In this article, I explore the 3 steps I’ve taken to prepare myself, which I believe other psychonauts often miss. These steps allowed me to minimize my personal risk factors and maximize the benefits of the psychedelic experience. So much so that I don’t think I’ll ever need to do it again.

What Are the Potential Benefits?

The therapeutic effects range from reduced anxiety and depression, getting out of addictions, healing past wounds and traumas, to finding out your life’s purpose.

All of it can happen because as you take psychedelics, your brain desynchronizes itself temporarily (read more here). For a brief moment, while your ego dissolves and your perception alters, you get access to insights and wisdom that are already in you —hidden in your subconsciousness— but are not easily accessible in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

The reason I did it was because I reached a glass ceiling in talk therapy and coaching. I knew I needed to fix something more. I felt there was still something missing, except I had no idea what it was.

What Are Some of the Risks?

The two biggest risks are psychotic outbreaks and serotonin syndrome. The first can ruin your life by triggering or exacerbating a psychotic disorder (such as schizophrenia, bipolar, etc.) that may have stayed hidden otherwise. The second involves drug interaction of common anti-depressants with psychedelics, which can lead to death.

But the reality is... anything you do in life is inherently risky.

You can get in a car accident driving your car.
You can break your heart and get depressed by falling in love.
You can waste years on the wrong person or an unfulfilling career.
Or die by hitting your head after slipping on a soap bar while taking a shower.

So, how do you evaluate the risks associated with psychedelics?

Here are the three steps I followed:

1. I educated myself,

2. I evaluated if I was a candidate or if my personal risks outweighed the rewards,
   and… because the potential rewards were much greater…

3. I prepared for the journey.

Step One: Understand What You’re Getting Into

There are plenty of resources to learn from. I started my educational journey with the following documentaries that I highly recommend:

• Fantastic Fungi (Netflix),

• How To Change Your Mind (Netflix),

• The “heroic dose” of psychedelics, according to Johns Hopkins | Dr. Matthew Johnson (YouTube),

• (Un)Well (Netflix) - episode 4 talks about Ayahuasca.

I also loved the book “Consciousness Medicine” by Françoise Bourzat, where she dives into research of expanded states of consciousness as well as describes her personal experiences.

What I really liked about the book is how Françoise explores expanded states of consciousness with and without the use of psychedelics (through prayer, meditation, body movement, or by participating in an event held in extreme conditions like in a sweat lodge or a silent retreat).

Step Two: Understand Your Personal Risk Factors

Those personal risk factors are based on you and your family’s health history.

You’re not a candidate for psychedelics if you or anyone in your family has a history of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or other psychotic disorders. I would not approach this topic if I had a close blood relative who suffered from any of it. It’s just not worth the risk.

Furthermore, you can scan your brain and find out how healthy your brain's default mode network is. Scientists have linked psychotic disorders and their manifestations (such as hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, agitation, or bizarre behaviors) to disruptions in the brain's default mode network (DMN).

That’s exactly what I did.

I scanned my brain at a local biofeedback clinic. (Read about it here). And only after my clinician reviewed my brain’s map and told me my brain’s DMN looked healthy, I started thinking seriously about actually doing the psychedelics.

There are no guarantees.

However, my personal odds of having a psychotic outbreak or not fully coming back from the trip were very, very, veeeeeeeeeery low.

By not fully coming back, I meant getting Flashbacks and Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD). Some psychonauts experience it long after taking the drug. Their brain stays in a disturbed state, even though it should’ve come back.

HPPD is a risk you should be aware of.

Finally, your age is a risk factor, too.

I would not recommend it if you’re under 30. You probably know that most of human brain development happens in childhood and adolescence. But some aspects, especially the development of the prefrontal cortex, as well as emotional maturity happen in our mid-twenties and beyond.

And let me tell you, you do need that brain of yours to be as mature as possible in order to face, process, and then integrate the potentially challenging emotional experiences that psychedelics can induce. That’s why, for someone in their early 20s, whose brain most likely isn’t ready, a bad trip can be pretty traumatic.

Plus, research indicates that the late teens and early twenties are peak periods for the onset of many psychotic disorders. So, waiting until your 30s can help minimize this risk.

I was 34 when I did my psychedelic trip, with no medical history of psychotic disorders in my family and a healthy DMN.

Step Three: Prepare for the Journey

If you’re not a runner, but you decided to run a marathon today, you wouldn’t just go ahead and run it this weekend, would you? You’d need a couple of months of prep to get ready for the big event.

The same is true for psychedelics. You need time to get ready.

I happened to start my preparation long before I knew what psychedelics even were.

And that’s precisely why that experience ended up being the cherry on top of all the self-improvement work I’ve done over the years. I was in the right mental space, ready to receive whatever I was going to learn.

I took a very precisely calculated risk and got incredible rewards, but only because I was prepared.

As a point of comparison, some other participants of the Ayahuasca retreat who co-journeyed with me (I write about my experience here) and clearly didn’t put the time into the preparation didn’t get close to half the results and insights I got. Some left right after the first ceremony, in the middle of the very first night, likely traumatized by what they had just experienced.

Here’s how I prepped and what I recommend to maximize your chances of getting valuable outcomes:

• start with talk therapy, followed by coaching - that helps in understanding your own thoughts, beliefs, and various patterns of behavior, and helps build self-awareness.

• invest in neurofeedback training - improve and optimize your brain’s actual physical structure to strengthen its health and the ability to come back from a trip.

• meditate and reflect - why are you even considering doing the psychedelics? What are the questions you’re looking to answer?

• find a safe and legal setting - prioritizing safety is key. Currently, some places with legal psychedelic retreats include Jamaica, Netherlands, Brazil, Peru, some areas of Mexico, and the state of Oregon in the US.

• follow the directions of the organizers and be honest with them - they'll likely ask that you change your diet (to vegan if possible) about a week before and after the event, as well as stop taking any supplements and medications (under your doctor’s supervision), since many drugs can interfere with the psychedelics and have potentially life-threatening effects.

Once you’re ready and at the designated location, I highly recommend having a notebook, where you can write down what you experience.

Summary

To sum up, psychedelics offer incredible benefits but are not without certain risks.

I took a very precisely calculated risk and got incredible rewards, but only because I was prepared. By following the steps I’ve outlined above, educating yourself, evaluating your personal risk factors, and thoroughly preparing for the journey, you can maximize the benefits and minimize the risks of your own psychedelic experience.

Enjoyed this article?

Here’s more:

• Using neurofeedback to prep for psychedelic journeys

• The details of my own psychedelic trip (coming soon)

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If you’ve never heard of neurofeedback training, you’re not alone. I only learned about it two years ago, by a total accident, and I wish I had known about it sooner. It would’ve saved me from unnecessary struggles in life (such as depression, anxiety and excessive stress) stemming from inefficient wiring of my brain.

So how did I stumble on it?

I was pregnant with my 3rd kid, worrying about incoming postpartum depression (PPD) that I had experienced with my previous two kiddos, and to be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to experiencing it yet again.

So when I randomly binged this documentary on Netflix, called (Un)Well, on my sofa on a Tuesday evening, the Ayahuasca episode really caught my attention. Specifically, when towards the end of the episode, in a lab, one of the neuroscientists measuring the psychedelic effects on the brain, says something like:

“That one experience can feel like 10 years of therapy”.

Talk therapy is what helped me out massively the first time I had PPD.

And so that testimonial got me hooked—the benefits of 10 years of therapy, and I could do that in one experience, over one weekend?!

Sign me up!

But I was pregnant. I could not and would not consume any psychedelics in that state. I could, however, educate myself on this intriguing topic.

As an analytical, problem-solving and full of interdisciplinary knowledge kind of engineer that I am, I dove into conducting thorough research.

Over the next couple of days, I watched some more documentaries, and read up on the risks of taking psychedelics, and it became more and more clear to me that in order to make an informed decision about whether or not I was going to do it in the future, I’d have to scan my brain somehow and see if I was at risk of having a psychotic outbreak.

I continued my research and stumbled upon neurofeedback training.

The first step of the training?

Doing a brain scan and a map!

General Overview

I’ve scheduled an initial free call with Melanie, the director of a local biofeedback clinic located in beautiful North Carolina, about 30 minutes from my house, on the following Wednesday.

In that call, I learned that neurofeedback, also called EEG biofeedback, has a wide range of applications. Starting with sleep issues, ADHD, depression, anxiety, pain management, PTSD, learning disabilities, migraines, memory issues, brain fog, addictions, etc.

But it’s not just used for problems stemming from dysregulated brain activity.

Turns out, top athletes use neurofeedback to improve their peak performance! While students, as well as older people often use it to enhance their cognitive abilities (such as improved attention, focus, memory, information processing, executive function, etc.).

Neurofeedback works in these various cases because it improves brain functions. It essentially trains the brain to regulate itself better and work more efficiently.

So, it sounded like if I did the neurofeedback training, I could not only improve my brain’s function to avoid having postpartum depression alltogether, I could also use it to become a much better performer, and my cognitive abilities would get a boost!

My inner overachiever got really excited.

And yes. Based on my brain scan and map, Melanie was also able to share with me if I’m more likely or less likely to experience a psychotic outbreak after consuming psychedelics. There were no guarantees, but I wanted to know my odds.

So I pulled the trigger.

I enrolled in the brain mapping process and the neurofeedback training.

Here’s How It Looked Like For Me

I’ve done therapy and coaching prior to doing the neurofeedback training.

And it felt very complementary—in therapy and coaching, I updated the software of my brain (thoughts, beliefs, and various patterns of behavior), while neurofeedback helped efficiently update its hardware (since it targeted the brain’s actual physical structure, helping it rewire itself).

It really seemed like upgrading my phone. Not only did I install new software updates, but I also got myself a better hardware. And, especially, the hardware update part was soooooooo easy. All I had to do is show up to my sessions. Unlike therapy, there's no need to talk about the past! Literally, I’d just pick a movie, get the sensors on my head, and watch the movie I picked. That’s it. Easy.

It took about 40ish sessions of neurofeedback training to address and improve 10 out of 55 Brodmann areas that were initially not optimal, as well as improve the overall efficiency of my brain. 

Brain Efficiency

I could tell my brain wasn’t as efficient anymore, as I’d get these headaches in the evenings. In college, I was able to focus and work at night, no matter the workload during the day, but since having kids, my brain has changed, and I wasn’t able to focus on work at night anymore.

Based on my brain map, it turned out that the front of my brain worked at 7Hz (7 bits of information processed every second) and the back of my brain worked at 14Hz (double the speed of the front), and so since the information wasn’t moving across my head at the same speeds, I was essentially wasting mental power.

According to research, most optimal adult brains operate at 10-12 Hz (across the entire head). So, part of my brain was kinda slow, and the other part was overworking itself and processing a lot of noise (unnecessary information).

Another thing I learned was that my brain’s wiring was set up in a way that would overstimulate my amygdala (the fight, flee, or freeze response center). And because of that setup, instead of having a resilient and thought-out response to what was happening around me, I’d be triggered most of the time, which further led to the mismanagement of energy and a waste of resources.

And then, on top of that, based on my brain map, my brain tended to be in an excessively high beta state (associated with stress) rather than an alpha state (associated with relaxation and calmness). There was basically not enough relaxation in my brain.

These were the reasons why, on some days, when I exerted a lot of mental effort during the day, I would then feel brain-dead in the evening. The inefficient processing, the non-optimal wiring, and the high beta states all contributed to the gross mismanagement of energy. That mismanagement left my brain depleted and unable to work in the evenings, and I’d get a headache.

Problematic Brodmann Areas

Out of the 55 Brodmann areas, here were 10 of mine that were causing issues and came up in my brain map. Now, keep in mind that every one of these brain areas has a much more complex set of functionalities than what I describe here. I only focus on a few specific examples of how the non-optimal wiring manifested in my life:

• 5L (negative self-talk and self-boundaries): THIS IS partially WHY I would wallow and get stuck in my head instead of taking action to pull myself out. THIS IS also WHY I used to have negative days and wouldn't allow myself to shift my attention; I'd just sit in shitty feelings for days until they passed.

• 6R (verbal expression and boundaries with others): THIS IS WHY sometimes I had a hard time finding the right words to respond immediately in a conversation. THIS IS also WHY I used to put myself last and prioritized doing things that mattered to other people, sometimes feeling over-responsibility for others.

• 7R (reaction to the external environment): THIS IS WHY I had trouble adapting to big changes in my life and experienced complicated grief when moving abroad, and perhaps that's what triggered PPD after the first pregnancy.

• 7L (reaction to the internal environment): THIS IS WHY I used to drop everything when I was hungry and I’d eat.

• 7R & 7L combo (crucial for adaptability): THIS IS WHY I had trouble sticking to a routine, and I loved a flexible, always-changing schedule.

• 9R (letting go and self-soothing): THIS IS WHY I wasn’t able to easily let go, and also, THIS IS WHY I wasn’t able to self-soothe easily and fell into depression or depressive states in the past.

• 10L (procrastination and sequencing steps to plan things out, starting and getting stuck): THIS IS why I used to feel overwhelmed, slowed down, exhausted, and flat and wasn’t able to pull myself together to take action on important things I wanted to get done (this area was particularly stress-sensitive, and so even just stressful thoughts would trigger procrastination).

• 11 (following urges): THIS IS WHY, without negative mental whip (mean and negative self-talk), I would just do whatever I felt like doing, regardless of the consequences, be it bingeing shows or eating a whole pack of chips by myself.

• 19R (getting stuck or fixated on an idea or way of thinking): THIS IS WHY, after a fight, I wasn’t able to stop thinking about how it went. I was unable to switch my gears and think about something else.

• 38L (being bothered by little things, but also anxiety and lack of belonging): THIS IS WHY I overreacted with my kids when I was tired or stressed, and THIS IS WHY I would blow up and get very defensive in fights or conversations in which I felt attacked. THIS IS also WHY I felt like I didn’t exactly fit into and belonged to any sort of community.

• auditory L (misinterpretation of intent, irritating sounds): THIS IS WHY when my husband said something that would rub me the wrong way, I’d start a fight. THIS IS also WHY certain sounds would drive me mad, and I was unable to ignore them.

Melanie and I reviewed my results and discussed in detail how my brain worked. Understanding how my behaviors were linked to the hardware of my brain and why certain scenarios kept repeating in my life allowed me to pay attention to these sorts of situations. I wanted to see if my response after the sessions had changed.

For example, based on my Brodmann area 38, as Melanie explained it, I was initially a canoe in the ocean, easily flipped over by little waves, little things would get to me quickly. My goal in neurofeedback training was to become a cruise ship instead—resilient and not bothered by tiny waves.

With a clear understanding of what needed to be addressed, I followed the roadmap laid out for me by Melanie and did the sessions she recommended.

My sessions

I did three kinds of neurofeedback sessions. The first one used the hemodynamic method to fix specific areas, the second type used the infralow method (ILF) to improve the brain's overall efficiency, and the third one was alpha-theta crossover sessions that offer psychedelic-like states without consuming anything.

The hemodynamic sessions basically encourage blood flow to the specific parts of the brain that were underperforming (that I listed above) so the brain could then repair these parts during sleep’s repair phase at night. Melanie mentioned it was like bringing building materials to a building site. Once the materials were provided, the master builders could fix what wasn’t working.

Before switching to the infralow sessions, I wanted to know how various areas of the brain responded to the neurofeedback training, so I requested a follow-up brain map. 7 out of 10 areas dramatically improved after 20 sessions, and only 3 areas (the auditory L, 7R, and 38L) needed some more hemodynamic sessions and training.

The infralow sessions focused on training the brain by using extremely slow brainwaves (below 0.1 Hz, in my case around 0.007Hz). These waves are thought to underpin the brain's foundational regulatory processes.

In these sessions, as Melanie explained to me, we were training my brain’s conductor of the orchestra so that all parts of the brain could function in harmony, be synchronized in their activity, producing a coherent, stable, and efficient background music of the brain (rather than a dysregulated cacophony of sounds creating incoherent signals, which seemed to be my brain’s case).

By harmonizing brainwave activity across different regions, the infralow sessions trained my brain to be more coherent, synchronized, and efficient in processing information. These sessions teach the brain how to regulate its overall activity, be efficient, and keep everything in balance.

Then there are the alpha-theta crossover sessions, also called deep state. I did 3 of them. Alpha-theta crossover is a type of session in which the brain is encouraged to transition between alpha and theta brainwave states. This crossover is associated with profound relaxation, creativity, and introspective experiences similar to those reported during psychedelic experiences. This way, I could satisfy my curiosity and experience how a psychedelic trip feels without having to consume anything.

In the first alpha-theta crossover, I didn’t experience the crossover part. It was really hard for me to turn off my internal mental chatter and relax, let go, and immerse myself in the experience. Part of it was that I scheduled this session early on (around my 10th session out of the 40ish), so my brain had a whole lot of issues to fix before I could really benefit from the deep-state sessions. So, with the 2nd and 3rd sessions, which I scheduled much later in the process, I was able to experience more of the expanded state of consciousness. In my 2nd, it was maybe 20 seconds. In the 3rd, it was about 2 minutes.

The 2 minutes, were not much compared to the 4 hours I spent tripping on a psychedelic (which is what my next article is going to be about), but it gave me a good insight into what to expect (on top of really valuable insights I got from those particular sessions themselves).

My results

It’s hard to summarize in detail how the improved hardware of my brain affected my life.

This is partly because I’m still discovering the positive effects it had on my life, its quality, my relationships, and my overall health (both mental and physical). Another part is that it compounded the positive effects of other things I’ve done in my life to improve it (like talk therapy and coaching), so it’s hard to separate the effects and attribute them to neurofeedback only.

However, here are some specifics that I noticed immediately following my sessions.

My blood pressure dropped from 120/80 (which it had been throughout my entire adult life) to 100/60. My hands aren’t shaking after coffee like they used to. I don’t drop things randomly as I used to. My neck and shoulders don’t tense up as they used to.

I became much calmer, less stressed out, and less anxious. My patience (especially with my kids) has increased dramatically, and that’s definitely due to how much more efficient my brain has become in processing information.

For example, I used to feel a visceral response to certain sounds, like my baby crying. It felt like an adrenaline rush, so I'd immediately drop everything and take care of the crying baby. But since the neurofeedback training rewired my brain, reducing the reliance on my amygdala, my body’s response was no longer that intense. I don't feel the alarm sounding in my body anymore.

As an experiment, I stopped drinking coffee, which I'm pretty sure I was just addicted to. Stopping it was unbelievably easy because I haven't had any cravings for it like I would in the past, which felt incredible. Since the neurofeedback, I've been making much healthier dietary choices with relative ease (and I've tried this before, but it definitely wasn't easy, and new healthy eating patterns didn't seem to stick).

Also, my auditories definitely improved ‘cause even my husband (without me asking!) noticed and complimented my “sudden lack of bitchy-ness”.

Last but not least, I have my brain back in the evenings! I can do things in the evening that require focus, attention, and mental effort because my brain’s resources are no longer being wasted throughout the day.

This neurofeedback training has been transformational, so much so that I decided to send all my kids in for it. (Once I write it, I will link to an article describing how the neurofeedback and it’s effect looked like for my 5-year-old son, who we suspected might have ADHD.)

Summary

Discovering neurofeedback training was a game-changer for me. Even tho I learned about it by accident (while researching psychedelics), I was very deliberate about going through the sessions and improving my brain’s function.

After all, the brain is at the center of everything you think or do, so if you can improve the brain, everything else improves, too.

And, indeed, improving my brain’s hardware positively affected so many aspects of my life! From the physical changes (like less muscle tension in my body) to increased mental well-being (because I’m not constantly triggered anymore) and becoming more efficient (and able to use my brain at night).

But most importantly it was easy. Just like upgrading my phone’s hardware (you pay, show up to the store, set it up, and it’s done!). All I had to do was pay for my sessions, show up, and watch a movie (while my brain was trained to improve itself).

Neurofeedback is a powerful tool.

If you had gone through neurofeedback sessions, let me know in the comments how it looked like for you? If you haven’t, I’m curious, what’s stopping you?

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Parenting is definitely not something that I would have associated with the “personal growth and development” category. Until I became a parent myself. And got a few years of experience doing it.

To be completely honest, for the first year as a new parent, I was completely oblivious (in denial?) to how much my life had changed.

But having a few years of experience now in growing tiny humans, in this article, I reflect on the ways I’ve grown. I hope it will accomplish one of two things: either it will help you notice your own superpowers you’ve developed, or it will bring you a sense of hope that there’s something worthwhile and permanent that comes from the struggles of being a parent that is more lasting than baby snuggles.

‘Cause parenting is quite a journey.

Starting on a Bumpy Off-Road Dirt Path

As a 20-something-year-old strolling down the park across my college dorms, I often saw families having picnics, moms taking cute pictures of their babies, and dads kicking the ball with their tweens. From the outside, parenting seemed like cruising down the highway with adaptive cruise control and lane assist on. It seemed easy, smooth sailing.

So when it was my turn to have my kiddos, the “natural next step for me” didn’t turn out to be that natural. I didn’t anticipate how difficult it’d be for me to get into the groove. I loved my child, but I didn’t love being a mom. Surviving a day with an infant didn’t feel like an accomplishment.

Like I mentioned before, for the first year as a new parent, I was completely oblivious (in denial?) to how much my life had changed. After my maternity leave and getting back to work, I acted as if not much had changed, and my over-achieving self was chasing yet another promotion. Clearly, I didn’t know how to navigate this transition into parenthood, so I just kept doing what I was used to doing in the past.

Until, out of nowhere, I burst into tears on a sunny September day. In the most unexpected place: a one-on-one meeting with my manager.

It hit me.
Hard.

At first, I was surprised by what was even happening.

Me?
Crying?!
At work?!?
In front of my boss?!?!?

I never thought I’d be unable to keep my cool at work and act so unprofessional.

The sudden realization hit me—it was finally time to stop pretending that not much had changed when, in reality, my world was completely different now.

It literally felt like I started my parenting journey on a bumpy off-road dirt path full of mud. It was anything but easy. But with the perspective I’ve gained over the recent years, I can see that this experience was a blessing in disguise.

Without it, I wouldn’t have started talk therapy.

Without it, I wouldn’t have gained the understanding of how I became who I was and how I could shape who I wanted to be.

Without it, I wouldn’t have become fascinated by human psychology and the way our brains work, which led to my transition to coaching and inspired my book, “Brain Refactor.”

Initially, having kids wasn’t cruising for me. And I’m glad.

If I were cruising, I’d be going down the highway just following the signs and doing what everyone else is doing. Instead, that bumpy off-road dirt path has led me down some unexpected routes and serendipitous trails I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise.

Forget Who You Once Were

As I held my firstborn in my arms, sitting upright in the hospital bed minutes after he was born, my life was forever changed. Although I didn’t fully realize it then.

Before that moment, I could prioritize my career goals and aspirations or just choose to stay longer at the office to wrap up a solution to an interesting problem I was solving. I could prioritize hanging out with friends, traveling, going to the gym, or staying up all night having fun.

I could do whatever I wanted to do.

After that moment, a big shift had to happen. I had to forget who I was and what I wanted.

I had to forge a completely new identity capable of bracing for all of the unknowns that raising children brings about. I had to adapt.

And not just once. Every time one of my kids entered a new stage, even if I thought I had it somewhat figured out, new challenges emerged, and I had to adapt yet again.

Parenting is a trial by fire.

The superpower here is adaptability—the ability to maneuver around the flames of uncertainty, unpredictability, and constant change.

Learn Psychology

They say that “babies don’t come with an instruction manual,” and I get how my parents and their generation could’ve used that phrase since I was raised pre-Internet.

But in recent years, I’ve started to see this as an excuse from parents who want to avoid understanding human psychology for the fear they might learn something about themselves they might not like.

There’s so much that we’ve learned about brain development in recent years, and that research is so easily accessible! From researching science on Google’s Scholar page through thousands of books on Amazon to online courses for parents.

Observing the little humans in my care, I immersed myself in books and online articles that would help me follow along and understand the phases they were going through (for example, I loved Tracy’s articles and courses at raisedgood.com, and I followed Mr Chazz’s socials).

It’s so much easier to parent when you understand what is going on in those little brains and what stage of development they’re at. Interestingly, as you learn about their development, you get to understand so much about yourself, too.

Things like…

How do you model certain behaviors?
Are your needs met?
What are your triggers?
What’s your attachment style?
What’s your communication style?
What are your deeply held values?
Why do you act the way you do?
How did your environment growing up influence all that?

When you dive into understanding kids’ psychological development, you develop the superpower of awareness. You learn how you became who you are today and how you can consciously shape who you want to be tomorrow.

Notice Emotions in a New Way

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon when my then 4-year-old first screamed and punched his older brother in his left arm, feeling very angry after he lost his turn to play with a toy in a rock-paper-scissors bet.

“Thank goodness we’re at home and not in public,” I thought, taking a deep breath.

And then… Just as suddenly as it appeared, his emotional outburst was gone. He noticed something and then excitedly said, “Look!” while pointing at two squirrels running around in our backyard. Both kids forgot all about the toy and started just watching the squirrels.

Kids feel freely and are unbounded in their expression of feelings. Within literally just a few minutes, you can witness a kaleidoscope of emotions—from explosive laughter through profound sadness to a deep thoughtfulness related to the intricacies of animal life.

As a parent, you literally get a crash course in understanding the emotions of others. There’s no choice. Those emotions are there - full on display - when you’re surrounded by tiny little humans.

You also gotta master how to manage your own emotions more effectively. The hardest part for me was learning not to let my emotions get in the way when I was trying to remain calm and composed, so I could be the zen guiding light for my children.

The superpower here is the emotional intelligence.

Interestingly, this practice with my kids and the research I’ve done, affected how I was now interpreting the behaviors of other adults.

Just like when I learned to see my kids’ tantrums as a result of their unmet needs combined with their inability to express cry for help in any other way. Clearly, according to the psychological research I was reading, they didn’t have the skills, the awareness, or the knowledge to ask for help in any other way.

It turns out that adults act just the same. They do the best they can with the skills, awareness, and knowledge they have to meet their needs. With this shift in perspective, I've gained a lot of compassion and empathy for others.

Now, an adult tantrum no longer felt like a personal attack but a reflection of who they were, the skills, awareness, and knowledge they did or didn't have. And it left a lot of room for compassion, too. Perhaps they’re acting out and being rude to me because they are fighting an invisible battle I know nothing about, and their needs aren’t being met.

This is not to say I would now allow others to step all over me. On the contrary. I became a master at setting boundaries. Which leads us to the next set of superpowers.

Practising Limits and Pushing Boundaries

Having toddlers presents so many opportunities to practice setting boundaries in so many different ways.

Toddlers are naturally curious and explorative, often testing limits and boundaries as they learn about the world around them. My role as a parent was to teach my kiddos about appropriate behaviors by setting clear and consistent boundaries (related to things such as sharing toys, following routines, or respecting personal space).

I’ll be the first to admit - we practiced way more than I would’ve liked to.

And, quite often, when I reached my limits and couldn’t handle their boundary-pushing anymore, I had to set other boundaries to protect my mental health (and so I’d hand them off to their dad and leave the room for a moment). It was a fine balance of setting boundaries for them as well as boundaries for myself. So I could intentionally raise my kids while taking care of my own needs.

But the fact that we did all that helped develop my patience, resilience, and assertiveness. Another set of superpowers.

Other Superpowers

I recognize that what I listed isn’t a full and comprehensive list, but it definitely is a list of things I got much better at thanks to being a parent.

Here’s a list of other superpowers that I’ve seen in fellow parents that I’d like to master (and am currently working on):

• Time Management
  I’m really good at managing chaos and juggling changing priorities. But I’d love to optimize the non-chaotic and very predictable pockets of time that I don’t manage very well, like my evening routines (I’d love to make them less, well, random and more intentional) and effective meal planning (to cut down the time spent on grocery shopping and meal prep).
  

• Leadership

  At its core, parenting is about leadership. And while I’m pretty good at leading by example, fostering independence, and encouraging growth in my kids, I am still working through moments of exerting control or imposing authority. (I’m currently reading “The Self-Driven Child” to grow more in this area.)
  

• Prioritization
  With competing demands and limited time and resources, tough choices need to be made about where to focus my limited energy and attention. This means distinguishing between what's urgent and what's important, what can wait and what can't, and what matters most in the grand scheme of things. I could definitely do better and squeeze more articles like this one into my schedule.

What other superpowers would you add to this list?

As a quick recap, all the superpowers I mentioned in this article were: adaptability, awareness, emotional intelligence, patience, resilience, assertiveness, time management, leadership and prioritization.

Just like Hercules, the legendary hero of Greek mythology, as a parent, you, too, become forged in the crucible of your trials that test your mental strength, resilience, and perseverance. And just like his hero journey, our parenting ones are far from easy. From adapting to new roles and responsibilities to honing emotional intelligence and leadership skills, all these superpowers supercharge our abilities to navigate life's challenges.

Tell me in the comments section below what you think of the parenting superpowers.
I’d love to hear about the ones you’ve developed!

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Who are you, lady?

Hi! ​​My name is Dagna Bieda, and I am an Engineer turned Career Coach for Engineers (ICs to CTOs). Having been coding for 10+ years and having worked in various engineering roles, I'm the "I've been in your shoes" kinda coach for engineers in tech.

When I started in software engineering, I progressed very quickly from a junior to a senior position. Just in a little over two years. The guidance of my peers allowed for this rapid career advancement. That experience taught me that having a clear direction and following through on valuable advice are two critical contributing factors to exponential growth.

In this Substack, I'm here to share that wisdom with you, empowering you to unlock your full potential and accelerate your career trajectory.

Transform your professional self and unlock the full potential of your career

Join me as I explore topics aimed at individuals who sense they are the hidden gems but aren't sure how to unleash their full potential. If you’re solid on the technical side but still feel like you’re missing something, perhaps feel stuck under a glass ceiling, or maybe wearing golden handcuffs, and unsure of how to advance, this is for you.

Expect insights on effective communication, productivity hacks, career planning, prioritization, and even unconventional topics like neurofeedback training and psychedelics. I'm here to challenge your thinking and fuel your growth journey.

Here’s my story

In my career, I’ve had to adapt and adjust to various settings and environments. My career carried me through working across different domains - from programming microcontrollers in C, through LTE networks written in C++, through a distributed web app in Ruby on Rails, through the ins and outs of mobile apps development in Swift and Java and their deployment pipelines. I’ve worked for a small business, a corporate environment, a consulting agency, and a successful startup, on the three common OSes (Mac, Windows, Linux). I’ve also worked in European and American cultural settings, and as it turns out, cultural nuances can have a significant impact on career progression. 

Emigrating from Poland to the United States brought a lot of lessons. For example, some of the values I grew up with didn’t fully align with what was valued at my American workplace. The differences were subtle enough that initially, I didn’t grasp how that was holding me back in my career growth. Regardless of the initial fast track, I got to a point where I felt stuck in my engineering career.

And then a big crash happened. I experienced burnout at work, mixed with postpartum depression, and all that coupled with complicated grief after moving across the Atlantic.

This was a difficult period, but thanks to talk therapy and support, it was a time full of personal growth. I’ve emerged with a transformed mindset and new skills. All that personal growth showed at work! So much so that I got the offer to step into the next position. But I didn’t take it. I chose coaching instead of a promotion.

And so I’ve moved from programming computers to reprogramming human minds. 

My upcoming book, Brian Refactor, how I coach, and now this Substack are direct results of all those accumulated life lessons. I’ll be sharing these with you here, as well as what I’m learning along the way.

I hope you’ll join me.

I’ll see you on the inside!

Welcome to Mental OS Upgrade by Dagna Bieda, your personal Brain Optimization Coach.

You’re here because you are ambitious and are looking for ways to reduce your daily overwhelm and instead have mental clarity, feel confident, and experience peak performance. Maybe you're an engineer, entrepreneur, a driven professional, have kids, or are simply juggling way too much. I get it — I’ve been there.

This newsletter is your shortcut to upgrading your mental operating system so you can work smarter, not harder.

After all, your brain is involved in everything you do, so when you improve your brain, everything else improves, too!

Sign up now so you can update your mental OS, one essay at a time.

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Next Steps (If You’re Ready)

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I help my clients get past mental chaos, self-doubt, stress, and stagnation so they can create a fulfilling, purpose-driven life supported by their careers.

So, if you are feeling stuck but pulled in a million directions, I can help.

We’ll eliminate overwhelm by getting crystal clear on your personal definition of “fulfillment”, spotting and filling your skill and mindset gaps, strategically planning your next steps, and upgrading your mental OS.

All that’s needed to get more success, fulfillment, money, opportunities, impact, and growth out of your life, right now.

Book a FREE Strategy Call

In just 45 minutes, we’ll identify what’s keeping you stuck and create a strategy to move forward fast.

Talk to you soon!

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